I Didn't Order That Porn

It's December 2015 and I along with my wife and 17 year old daughter are picking up my 21 year old daughter in Europe where she's been studying for the last 4 months. So we get to her in London(Where her school was) and spend the next 10 days seeing Europe before we head back to the the USA.  4 days in London, 2 days in Amsterdam and the last 4 days in Paris.
    Absolutely the best vacation we've ever been on.  First time to Europe for all of us.  Sightseeing, eating at great restaurants and just soaking in the entire experience.  Well, the last leg is Paris and we take a train from Amsterdam arriving in Paris around 10:30 PM.  Its raining, dark outside and we are in a country really foreign to us.  After about 30 minutes we get to our hotel.. A quaint hotel in downtown Paris off a side street.  We check in and I had been getting 2 rooms for the 4 of us the entire trip.  Not sure if this true or not but I've been informed by my wife and daughters I have a bit of a snoring problem(Again no real evidence of this but the word of 3 evil women I live with)..So my 17 year old says "Mom, I'll share a room with Dad so you can get a good night sleep" WHAT?!?!?!?..My teenage daughter of the self absorbed addicted to screens generation taking one for the team? Some things you just don't question.  My wife and oldest go to their room which was on the 2nd floor and my youngest and I go to our room on the 3rd floor.  Now if you've ever been to Europe, you know that for the most part the hotel rooms are small...Not only where the rooms small but the walls were thin.  How do I know that the walls were thin? Just as my daughter and I are unpacking we hear something coming from the room next to us.  There is a man and woman in the room and they are having sex.  Actually they were having extremely loud sex!   NOT GOOD!!!!  I mean we're hearing things like "Oh Baby" YES YES YES"  and a number of other phrases that I'm not going to write here. FILL IN THE BLANKS FOLKS!!  So I'm standing there frozen  with an unreal feeling of massive awkwardness that actually surpassed the massive awkwardness I had the night before walking Amsterdam's  Red Light District with my 21 year old("Yes,Sydney there are A LOT of hookers in Amsterdam"). My immediate reaction is to say to my daughter "get in the bathroom now!"  She does and thankfully the aerobic class next door ended quickly...I proceed to leave my room (my daughter was probably still in the fetal position in the bathroom) and go directly to my wife's room.  I walk in and say "When we get back home you need to schedule 2 separate therapy sessions for Cam and me.
We just had a very bad Dad/Daughter experience."  My wife and oldest laughed until they're crying.  I go back to the room and act as if nothing happened..I kiss my youngest and got into bed and thought "That did not just happen, no way"
  The next morning I get up and leave my room to go get some coffee. Who should be walking out of their room at the same time? Yes, John Holmes and Linda Lovelace from next door. Actually they were not what I expected. Instead of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen,(Does any guy hear stuff like that and fantasize about ugly people?) they were more like a young couple who were more interested in a breakfast buffet than the Eiffel Tower, if you know what I mean.  So after that night, my wife once again was my roommate and I'm still trying to block that memory out of my mind.

Only in Vegas!

My industry(promotional products) has it's annual convention every year in Las Vegas in mid January. I've been going to this event for 9 years. I understand Las Vegas is a great place for business meetings/conventions because there is so much to do at night.(Actually you can abuse your worst vice 24 hours a day, 7 days a week there). For me it's business during the day, great meal at night and then hang out with co workers or friends from my industry at a hotel/casino. We stay at the Mandalay Bay which works well because they have a convention center there so I never  have to leave the complex(also means that I will not see natural light or breathe fresh air for 72 hours). Also let me tell you that this particular week there were 3 main conventions.  The promotional products convention(Mine), the Handgun/Weapon convention and the Adult Video Awards convention(The Academy Awards for Pornos). So you could get yourself a nice gun and a hooker while probably collecting a few bad pens with a logo on them.

Let me tell you the 2 things that stood out for me

You may know or not know that prostitution is illegal in downtown Las Vegas.  The hotels don't want hookers strolling around their lobbies and casinos. Yeah, that works well. NOT!!!  I always get a kick out of seeing a middle age guy in a bad suit from Pigsknuckles, Nebraska arm and arm with a woman that is wearing 6" heels, really small hot pants and a tube top from 1977. The bonus is that she probably can get you Meth cheap. Anyways, I always see if I can spot a hooker when I'm out(Kind of like a degenerate game of "Where's Waldo?"). On this night I'm walking around the casino floor of Mandalay Bay by myself and spot a hooker. Then another one. Now I see 2. Then a group of 6. I normally don't see that many in a 4 day trip. I walk back the to blackjack table my buddy is at and he says "What is going on here tonight?" I reply, "Either the Porn Convention folks are filtering into our hotel or someone just dropped off 5 busloads of hookers!"

The next thing I saw, I couldn't make up. Our convention(promotional products) had an unbelievable amount of people riding the Weasel Scooter(you've seen it advertised on TV and for Seinfeld fans, there was an episode where George scammed using one). These things are basically electrical baby elephants. They take up a lot of space, move slow and the people using them(who by the way, the median age of the typical Weasel Scooter user is 87 years old) have no clue how to operate them.  They were everywhere. It was nuts. The night after HookerFest, I'm going down to meet people for dinner. As I get off the elevator, there's a big crowd of people milling around the elevator banks/lobby. Across from the large group of people is a petite Hispanic maid of the hotel pushing a mini dumpster on wheels(kind of Wheel Barrow on Steroids). All of a sudden the crowd of people move to one side and there is a woman, about 103 years old, attempting to get through with her Weasel Scooter. The crowd is on one side and maid with dumpster is on the other side against a wall when the geriatric Dale Earnhardt, Jr. guns it and veers left really hard right into the dumpster with the maid behind it. This little Hispanic maid is pinned against the wall with the dumpster. She cannot move. I can't believe what I'm seeing. The senior citizen is confused, the maid is getting crushed and everyone else is in utter amazement. None the less, a few of us grabbed the scooter and freed the maid. I think I laughed for about 10 minutes at what I just saw.

Only in Vegas!

Homecoming (or what happens when Danny gets bored)

The year is 2009 and it's homecoming time at my daughter's high school. She's was a freshman at the time and  just became friends with a new group of girls. So as dances, proms and other social events are done in today's world, 2 things occur.
   The first thing is that most kids theses days go to dances like it's fantasy football. The boys don't ask out individual girls but they organize groups with matching up couples and friends helping other friends out. Some of these kid's dates are complete strangers. Go figure. The second thing is that in today's world, Homecoming, Prom and  Turnabout(Sadie Hawkin's Dance for you old folks) have become such over the top events that they range from small Bar Mitzvah to Princess Diana's wedding..Crazy. What happened to going to the dance and nice dinner..Not today.  Limos, $200 dinners, staying overnight somewhere and just general over the top behavior is the norm.
  OK, back to my daughter's homecoming. She's in a new group of friends(which by the way, she wasn't friends with these girls 2 months later) that have figured out this year's homecoming roster. My daughter is going with a boy she really doesn't know but that's par for the course. So the weekend arrives and of course, there is a pre-Homecoming Dance get together at the house of the Queen Bee of the girls. This get together is for pictures and hors d'oeuvres. Basically, this is to document the night via pictures that will be on FACEBOOK 3 minutes after they are taken to show the world what a great time and how cool everyone is. My wife and I show up at this person's house with my wife's famous taco dip (easily the best food item my wife makes with her banana bread a close 2nd). So we enter this house and it's like a bad business cocktail party. My daughter is hanging with the girls and the boys are all standing in a corner. Meanwhile, my wife and I are making small talk with people we just met. I actually enjoy meeting new people but these people were BORING!!!  Brutally boring. Well, what happens when Danny gets bored? He finds the need to entertain himself and that's usually at the expense of some unexpected soul.
    So, I'm walking around and my opportunity hits me smack in the face. Most of the parents are in the kitchen and it just so happens that the 7 boys of this gala event are standing in the kitchen also. Another interesting thing is one of the dads is standing with these 7 boys. The boys are dressed in standard teenage boy dance attire. Light Blue Oxford shirt and khaki pants(change the shirt to a red polo and they all look like they work for Office Max). The dad standing by these boys, is also wearing a light blue oxford shirt and khaki pants. This is a layup for me. So there is a break in conversation and awkward silence in the room. I decide to move in for the kill. I walk up to the dad and the 7 boys and say to the dad, "Hey, did you guys get a deal at the clothing shop? You buy 7 little outfits and get the big one free?" My wife laughed and the rest of the crowd was dead silent. The dad I busted on really didn't appreciate being lumped with the fashion style of 14 year old boys. Tough crowd.  It also probably wasn't good that the guy I goofed on my daughter's date's father. At that point my wife and I quietly left the house with our Taco Dip(no one touched that or any of the food that we were instructed to bring) and ate it for dinner. It ended up that my daughter had a nice time and I continued to consecutive streak of pissing someone off at every social function I attend

Bad Hotel

This past weekend was one of  the most enjoyable weekends that I've had in my life. It was Dad's Weekend at University of Illinois and I spent it visiting my oldest daughter who is a freshman. I got to see how her  college life is going. She doing great so far and having a great time which makes me so happy ( and jealous! Man, college life is the best!)...Well, this is not about my visit or how my daughter is doing but about the  hotel I had the 1st night of the weekend.
  So being new a college dad, I didn't realize that I had to book my hotel for Dad's Weekend when my daughter was in kindergarten. All the decent hotels on campus were booked solid and I started to search for any hotel  that might have a room for 2 nights in the area. If you're not familiar with the University of Illinois, It's in Champaign, Illinois which is as rural as it gets in Illinois. Let's just say after Champaign, the closest towns to Champaign probably just got indoor plumbing. So I finally find a room at a Days Inn in Rantoul, Illinois. Rantoul is quiet town 15 miles from the University of Illinois  that has a Walmart, McDonald's, a gun shop and a couple of hotels/motels that probably haven't seen a building inspector in a good 20 years. I pull into the parking lot and wasn't initially that concerned. I went to the front desk where there was a kid working,who by the way he looked, made me fairly confident that his mom and dad were at minimum 1st cousins but probably brother and sister. Also I believe that "Dueling Banjos" was playing in the background to give the hotel more ambiance. So "Gomer" tells me about my room, check in and check out. I ask "Is there some kind of breakfast in the morning?" He replies "Oh yeah, we should have coffee, water and there's a shot there will be donuts too".  The Four Seasons has nothing on this place. I get my room key and drive around to the back to go to my room. Well, it's been a long time since I've had a room with the door on the outside of the hotel but this room had it. The hotel officially became a motel. I enter the room and the disappointment continued. The motif for this room was 1970's bad discolored yellow. I mean this room(and I'm assuming the rest of the hotel must have been the same) was last updated right around when Nixon was in office. Bad clock radio that was constantly blinking. The TV was an old box version that probably wasn't replaced because it was too heavy to move. The bed, well I've tried to block that out, so sorry for no description at this time. The bathroom was discolored yellow with a shower curtain that had stains that were either mold, dead bugs or God knows what.  The towels, which there was only one bath towel and one wash cloth, were not made for human skin. There was a bar of soap and a little bottle of shampoo that I had to to double check to make sure that it wasn't a bottle of WD40. The best part of this room was the lock on the door. It was a chain. Yes, a chain that any hard working serial killer could dismantle with a butter knife. So now I'm feeling really safe. Picture the scene in the movie "BIG" where Tom Hanks spends his 1st night as a grown up in a seedy flop house in the city. Yes, I was minutes away from barricading the door with the 400 lb TV and lying in the fetal position in bed. I then realize I left something in my car and had to go get it. I open the door and standing right in front of me is a man who weighed about 275 lbs shirtless...shirtless!!!! He says in an inbred drawl,"Man, I love a cool night like tonight". I'm thinking, Dude, I''ll give you $100 to put a shirt on! As I quickly move away from the Hillbilly Fabio, I go to my car and notice that there are lot of rooms with the doors open and some really scary looking people milling around. These were not Boy Scouts. I'm guessing there was a Meth Lab Convention being held at this motel. So I quickly get back to my room, lock the door and call my wife to tell her where my life insurance policy was. I woke up after sleeping maybe 8 minutes the entire night and cannot wait to get out of there. I quickly take a shower(Brown water is not bad for you, is it?) and I then check out (I was super lucky to find a nice hotel available for my 2nd night on campus- Thank you Hotels.com)...The funny thing is that as I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw a mix of BMW's and  Audi's along with the pick up trucks and methmobiles(rusted out Camry's and I think I actually saw an El Camino). So half the motel was occupied by parents like me visiting their kids and the other half was extremely sketchy folks. Gotta love America!

Movie Night

I am somewhat of a movie snob. As it may come to a shock to anyone reading this, I'm extremely picky when it comes to movies. I might see 1 or 2 a year and they have to be either the Academy Award Winner for Best Picture or a really good movie that makes me think. I'm not into Rom-Coms(Romantic Comedy), ridiculous over the top special effect blockbusters or comedies that are just plain unfunny(Can you do anything better than that Steve Carell?). Also, if  I see a movie that I did not like or if it royally sucked(The Artist), I may ban the industry for a year and see no movies. So now you know that when it comes to movies(like a lot of things in my crazy ass life) I'm a psycho.
   So this past Friday night my wife and i decide to go see a movie. We choose a small theater complex close to us that shows the artsy fartsy films that the masses usually don't go to see. The complex has 6 small theaters in it and we choose a foreign film about an Arab surgeon who has assimilated in Israel and finds out his wife is a suicide bomber that just killed about 17 people including 11 children. Deep flick and just reinforced to me that there is no need to ever continue peace talks between the Israelis and the Arabs because these kids will never get a long. That is probably the last time you will ever hear me speak about my political or religious views( unless I need to tell you folks something funny that pertains to politics or religion)
   What I have to tell you about is the actual experience of this movie theater. The theater only had 30 seats in it. These were not your normal movie seats.  These bad boys were full leather electronic recliners. I'm not talking about reclining a bit to give you a Laz E Boy effect, I'm talking about this chair reclining to the point where its basically the equivalent of you lying on your couch long ways watching TV at home. The only thing missing was the Snuggie you have to keep you cozy. This was easily the most comfortable I've ever been at a movie theater. Picture 30 people lying on their couches at home watching a movie. Better yet, picture 30 people at a Senior Center on their couches watching a movie. My wife and I were the youngest people there with the next youngest people being about 97 years old. Some of these folk's first movie was The Ten Commandments and I'm not talking about the one with Charleton Heston as Moses, I'm talking about the one with the REAL Moses. The next thing that happened could only happen in this theater filled will geriatric affluent Jewish people.  Before the movie starts, the Manager( I believe he was the oldest usher and only usher there not on drugs) says that they sold 30 tickets but there are 31 people needing seats. He goes on to say that if you don't have your ticket stub, then you have to leave. Oh yeah, that went over really well. Why didn't he just say "Anyone know if Hitler is spelled with one T or two T's?"..None the less, ticket stub or no ticket stub no one was moving an inch( I think most of the theater goers would need some help from a physical therapist to get out of these chairs anyhow)...I'm not sure what happened but they figured it out and the movie began. So we're watching this deep movie and at about the hour mark, something is happening. Think about yourself at home alone watching a movie relaxed on your couch. Think about what happens next. That's right, the bodily functions start kicking in. All of a sudden, the theater has become the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles.  I'm not talking about a little bitty passing of wind, we're talking about the seniors letting go some serious bombs. It must have been busy at the early bird special at the deli in town. Let's not forget what also happens when very relaxed on the couch. Half the crowd is sleeping and dreaming about the corned beef on rye they had 3 hours earlier(which lucky for me, I get to hear via the air biscuits they're launching) So now in this intense movie, my wife and I are like 7 year old kids in school after a classmate farts in the middle class. We're laughing hysterically and can't believe what is going on. Well, the movie ended and most of the audience woke up to leave. Easily the most relaxing and entertaining movie I've seen in years and by the way, I probably wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.

Now He Wakes up?

It's the early 90's(1990's for you youngsters) and the Chicago Bulls are rock stars. They are winning championships every year and they have Michael Jordan the most famous person on Earth. Even for people not from Chicago, you want to see your team win and Michael score 50. Well, this was the case the time my father-in-law invited me to go to a game in Milwaukee and watch his beloved Bucks play the Bulls. Now, let me tell you something about me as a fan. I'm a Homer. Not in the sense that I am completed jaded by my teams and can't see that there may be other teams or players better than the ones I cheer for (Except my Ohio State Buckeyes)but an actual Homer meaning, I don't like to watch my teams play games at the opponent's stadiums. I know people will watch their team play anywhere anytime. I won't. I like my home stadiums or my home, as in my living room. OK, so I love my father-in-law and agreed to go to this game. The seats were pretty good and I felt pretty confident Michael and the Boys would take care of business. Not wanting to start trouble or god forbid an all out riot, I kept my cheering level to a low and never thought of taunting(actually thought of it, you know me, just didn't do it). Unfortunately, my birth defect of having a loud voice(volumousmaximus) meant that the people in our general vicinity knew I was cheering for the Bulls. I think that actually motivated some people in my section to cheer louder to try to get under my skin(good luck pikers!). Things are going accordingly if you are Milwaukee Bucks fan..your team is playing the Bulls close and Michael has dropped in about 48 points. The Bulls are up 1 point with 15 seconds left and Milwaukee has the ball. A Milwaukee player gets the ball, fakes and shoots about a 20 footer. NOTHING BUT NET!!!!  The Stadium goes ballistic!! Everyone is my section is cheering extra psychotically in my direction,I guess to help me know what the score of the game is. Oddly, there is a guy sitting right next to me doing nothing but sitting there quietly. This guy didn't make a sound the entire game.(maybe he was pissed this wasn't a Packer's game) Even his buddy next to him was about to burst an artery cheering but not this fellow. He was just sitting there quietly sipping on what looked like a 96 oz cup of soda(maybe it was filled with Ritalin hence the catatonic state he was in). Almost like he was the only one that knew(I knew this too having Mr. Jordan on our team) that this game wasn't over yet. So everyone in the Tri State area knew who's getting the ball with 7 seconds left for the Bulls. The crowd is still going wild when Michael gets the ball. He takes a few dribbles, fires his shot and CLANK! off the rim. Milwaukee wins! Now besides the crowd going wild(which I expected), this guy next to me who was in a coma for 48 minutes, gets right in my face screaming WHOO!!! WHOO!!! OH YEAH!!!!  I wanted to punch this guy right in the nose but probably wouldn't have ended well for me( Massive brawl would have broken out-my father-in-law and I vs.95 people and I heard Milwaukee jails have bad food ). So after this guy took a breath from going nuts on me, I said "Well, we'll see what happens in the playoffs". Easily one of the Top 5 Worst Comebacks in the History of Danny's Life. It happens.

What The #@$%#@*& !!



                                                             (Bottom Row, 2nd from right)



My mother lives alone in a 2 bedroom condo in downtown Chicago. It's not a huge place but perfect for her.  She made the second bedroom a den/office. On the wall she had(yes, notice the word HAD) 5 pictures. All the wedding photos of her 4 children and in the center a really old refurbished picture of her mother and father's (my grandparents) wedding picture. That picture is a classic. Well, unfortunately as life goes all my siblings got divorced. Sad but it happens.  I'm the black sheep of the family because I have stayed married to my original spouse the longest(21 years this October). Well, my mother is her infinite wisdom decided she did not want to look at all the ex-spouses of her beloved children and removed the pictures(except the old pic of my grandparents) and replaced them with whatever was the last picture her children had taken. Well, I found out by going to her condo and not only seeing all the pictures removed but seeing what pic of mine she put up. She put up my freshmen year in college pic from the fraternity house I lived in. BRUTAL!!!!  I had the Jullet (Jewish Mullet) going on and looked like a total dweeb. (though now at age 47, I would kill for the amount of hair I had). I'm thinking, "What the F*ck Mom, I get penalized for being married to my original spouse? That is not right"  So I look at my mom and say "Hey, what is up with the new pictures?"  She disregarded what I said and asked me what she could make for me to eat(Standard Jewish Mother response to any uncomfortable situation). Then to see if my mother was listening to me, I say to her, "You know Mom, you're going into a home soon, it's just a question of whether it's a good home or a bad home, so keep this crap up" She again answers with "Do you want your crust cut off on your grilled cheese sandwich"  Let alone my wife, who was also there, was thinking, "So I'm not married to you anymore, huh? Good I was ready to date anyhow" So as it goes, all my siblings remarried really nice people and all the married pictures went back up. Glad to see that horrible pic of me off the wall but really would kill to have that amount of hair again.