The Miracle of Life

December 23, 1994. My wife is due any day with the birth of our first child. She goes to her ob/gyn that morning and the woman says tells her she's about a centimeter dilated so things are moving along. The rest of the day( I was working as a multi line sales rep in sporting goods so I officed out of our townhouse) we sat there wondering is this the day. My wife throughout is getting more uncomfortable but god bless her, not complaining. Around 5:00 P.M. she's a bit uncomfortable so she calls her gyno who tells her to relax it's probably still a day or two away. So we go to bed around 10:30 P.M.  At 12:30 A.M., I feel a nudge. Then another nudge. That nudge was more like a full palm to my face. My wife says "I think I'm in labor. We have to go to the hospital"  I immediately go into "try to stay calm on outside but freaking out on inside" mode. I ask her " How uncomfortable are you?" She says loudly "F*cking Uncomfortable!"  Good enough for me. We get her stuff and head to the garage. Now mind you, the hospital is in another town and a good 35-40 minutes away. It's the middle of the night on Christmas Eve so I figure if I go 90-110 mph, I should get there in 25 minutes. My wife is now saying "Oh my god, I feel something. Hurry!!" Great, so now my Nissan Pathfinder is got a shot of being a delivery room which will not be good(not to mention how much it's going to cost to get it detailed after childbirth has occurred in it). We get to the hospital and I'm gingerly leading my wife in. I say to the woman at the desk "My wife is in labor we need to get her to a room immediately!" This woman says "Well, you have to fill out and sign some forms first" I reply "Lady, if we don't get her to a room there's going to be 3 signatures!"  We get her into a room in the maternity ward and things start to get more settled. She's hooked up to monitors, there are nurses all over and I have a sense of calm. The nurse pulls me to the side and says "All of her doctors are not around and the one on call is very far away" I said "Far away as in downstairs at the cafeteria or far away as in Guam?" She replies "Far away enough where we will have to deliver the baby." Hey I didn't sign up for that at all. She was laughing and said "Relax the doctor is about 10 minutes away"  Great. My wife is about to give birth to the 1st of my huge debts and I've got a stand-up comedian here.  Also my wife who is now about 9 centimeters dilated wants drugs for the pain(Hey, I wanted drugs too!) . The nurse tells her she's too dilated and drugs can't be administered. Uh oh. Not good. If my wife doesn't get drugs, we may witness the the birth of my child and an exorcism at the same time. Amazingly, at that moment the anesthesiologist walks in and it's my wife's closest friend's brother who she's known forever. (Thank god is was Christmas Eve or this Jewish Doctor wouldn't be there). He tells her he can take care of her and administers an epidural.  Whew! All good in the laborhood. While we're waiting for my wife's doctor, I'm hearing a horrible sound out in the hallway. It sounds like a really sick cow or moose. Bad sounds. I look in the hallway and there's a huge pregnant woman leaning against the wall kind of waddling and making these noises that aren't human. We catch eyes and I say the first thing that pops into my head.  "Hang in there. It will be over soon" She gives me a look like "Yeah,, if over soon means I give birth to the baby elephant inside me in the next 3 days!" OK then. I go back to my wife and she's in heaven. The epidural has kicked in and all is good. Her doctor comes in and after about 3 hours I get to see the birth of new 7 lb 2 oz baby daughter. I actually felt a physiological change in me seeing the birth of my daughter. To this day, the birth of my 2 daughters (#2 Debt was a lot less dramatic) are the two greatest days of my life. Oh, yeah and the one thing I learned after the birth of my first daughter that I will pass on to any expectant fathers is that if you're going to be in the room when the birth occurs, you need to stay North of the Equator when positioning yourself. Trust me. Stay North Young Man, stay North.