I Thought The Cab Drivers in Chicago Where Bad

Thanksgiving 2011 and my family is spending it in beautiful Maui, Hawaii. Gorgeous place, Great Weather and nice to be in the United States(Though taking 10 hours by airplane to get there makes its seem like you are not). I won't bore you with the details of my trip such as the Luau we went to( of course, I got pulled up on stage to a Hula Dance), Surfing( A lot harder than I thought it would be) and Boogie Boarding we did(Totally beat the crap out of my body doing that-yes,I'm old). I will tell you about 3 cab rides we had that were nuts. After the 2nd cab ride my oldest daughter said, "Dad, you are going to write about these cab rides aren't you?" So here I go.

Cab Ride #1-We arrive at the Maui airport and need a cab to our resort. The first cab in line has this Asian woman. I've been schlepping 2 huge pieces of luggage through the airport(travel with a wife and 2 teenage daughters. They brought for 1 week enough clothing for a month) and can't wait for someone to help with them. This woman gets out of the cab and she's about 4'5" and 80 lbs. Great. They are now giving driver's licences to 10 year olds. My wife says"Danny, there's no way she can pick up the luggage." I replied, "she probably can't pick up our carry ons".

Cab Ride #2-It's our first night after 10 hours of flying and we're exhausted but needed to go the local grocery store to pick up some beverages and breakfast stuff for our condo. The cab picks us up and the drivers name is Tony.  Tony is a Mid 50's Vietnamese man that speaks English really badly. Luckily we can communicate enough to tell him what store to go to and he also agrees to wait for us until we're done. He tells me to call his cell phone when we're ready and he'll pick us up again. Shopping goes quickly and I call Tony. I tell him we're ready to go and I can barely make out what he's saying back to me. There's screaming in the background. High pitched screaming. I tell my wife "I think the cab driving is beating the shit out of his kids." I wasn't kidding. Tony picks us up and now I hear clearer this screaming again and it's in his cab. It's horrible and I say "Tony, what is that?" I can't even make out Tony's reply. My oldest daughter who is super irritable when overtired says "Dad, look down there"  I look down and there's a portable DVD Player playing some really bad foreign theatrical video.  In the video, there's a woman in some kind of ceremonial outfit dancing like a mental patient and screaming( These are the screams I've been hearing). By the way, this woman also had more facial hair than makeup. I said "Tony, you have to turn this off"(Besides the video being horrendously annoying, I wasn't really thrilled with this guy watching a video while driving my family.) He says in horrible English "It's opera from Vietnam. Good Stuff." I replied "That's great just turn it off" He did and mumbled something that sounded like "Your Ross" (assuming Your Loss)

Cab Ride #3-This cab ride was from our resort to dinner in a small town close by. The driver that picks us up again is a Vietnamese man in his mid-50's name Dip Kouk, doup kok or something like that. For our purposes, I will refer to him as Long Duck Dong.(or the Donger). The Donger speaks English so poorly he makes Tony(Cab Driver #2) sound like Anthony Hopkins. I'm trying to tell him what restaurant we want to go to and every time he replies, I look back at my wife and kids with a look on my face that says "Did you get any of that? I got nothing." As we get on the main drag of this town, he sees a young couple across the street trying to get a cab. The Donger rolls down his window and yells to them "I take you! Pick you up! Stay! Pick you up!" He drives another 100 feet, drops us off and peels off a U Turn that make about 3 cars screech hitting their brakes so hard. We're laughing at this but soon enough we realize the joke is on us. The Donger drop us off about 2 blocks from our restaurant so he could get the other fare. We didn't know where the restaurant was so we assumed he was dropping us off at the restaurant. Thank for the great service Donger.