No Thanks Ma'am, I Won't Be Needing That

As I approach my 20th wedding anniversary, I'm reminded of the first time I stayed over at my wife's house in Milwaukee when we started to date. Yes, this was after the famed 6 lb lobster dinner the first time I met her folks, so when they heard we were coming into Milwaukee for the night, I'm sure my future father-in-law said to my future mother-in-law, "Nancy, you better stock up on food, that little bastard can eat!" We drive up on a Friday after work and get there at about 8:00 P.M. I know my wife is nervous because she's worried what her folks will think of me after we're all together for 24 hours. I'm not nervous because, well, I just rarely get nervous over anything ( I believe the saying is "Ignorance is Bliss"). We walk in and the folks give my wife a big hug and kiss while I get the proverbial "Nice to see you again"  I could tell that they were not overly impressed the first time they met me. Let me also give you a bit of history. My wife is the youngest of 3 daughters. The oldest married someone from the same town that they knew well . The middle daughter married their best friend's son. Then comes me. Mr. "How ya doin?" from Chicago. Tough road ahead of me. So after her parents get done staring at me like I'm a science project, my wife and her mother go off into the kitchen and I'm sitting on the couch with her dad. Correction, he's sitting at one end of the L shaped sectional couch and I'm at the other end. He's glued to the TV set watching some boring ass golf tournament. I can tell that not only is he not  thrilled with me being in his home but I'm also getting the vibe I'm not the Mr. Right he envisioned for his daughter. Whatever. This is not the first time a girl's dad didn't like me. So I try to make conversation with him. "Mr Lieberman, how's the golf game?" Nothing. "Mr. Lieberman, how's business been?" Nothing. "Mr. Lieberman, when Lisa I get back to Chicago we're going to knock over a convenience store. Do you know where we can get a gun cheap?"  No, I didn't say that but I thought about it just to see if he was breathing. Later as I'm getting ready for bed(in a separate bedroom of course), my wife's mother comes up to me with 2 bath towels, 3 hand towels, a washcloth and a bar of soap. She looked like she was restocking the bathroom at a suite in Caesar's Palace. I then replied to her "No thanks ma'am, I won't be needing that." She walked away stunned thinking "Not only does this kid eat like a farm animal but he has the hygiene habits of one too!" We wake up the next morning and have a fairly normal day. We say goodbye and leave. I'm sure my wife's parent were thinking "It's just a phase. This won't last long".  Guess again. In actually, not only did I end up having a  good relationship with her mother but her dad and I became really close friends. Of course, now that I have 2 daughters, I can totally relate to where they were coming from. Though, If my daughter brings home a boy and he says "Mr Friedman, when Sydney and I get back to get back to Chicago we're going to knock over a convenience store. Do you know where we can get a gun cheap?"  I'm going to say "Yeah, I actually know where you can get a shotgun. It's in my garage. Just wait here and sit still"