This Kid Got The Shaft!

So I brought back a Halloween Tradition that only the Demented Ward Cleaver would do. I get a scary mask( The mask got a big thumbs up from my Halloween Advisory Committee-My daughters)and sit on my driveway with a bowl of candy. The bowl has a sign on it that reads PLEASE TAKE ONE ONLY. I sit there still so the trick or treating kids don't know if I'm fake or real.
A lot of the kids get freaked out( some adults too) when I make sudden movements( grab their hands as they reach into the bowl). Some kids, even as old as 12-13 won't even approach me. I do have one rule: I will not scare any little ones( usually about 4 yrs or younger-I will say "Happy Halloween, want some candy?")
This is for my pure entertainment. (My wife and daughters won't admit they enjoy it but they always watch from inside and they DO enjoy it).
The below episode transpired into the highlight of the day

Dad, 7 Year Old Girl and 5 Year Old Boy are across the street from me

DAD: "Hey guys, there's a skeleton over there. Go check it out"

Kids cross the street and approach me very cautiously

7 yr old girl: "DAD, ITS FAKE, ITS A DOLL!"

As she's turning and yelling to Dad, I slowly turn my head to face towards the 5 yr old boy

5 yr old boy: "HE'S REAL!!! HE'S NOT FAKE, HE JUST MOVED!!!"

7 yr old girl: "No, he didn't move. Its a doll"

DAD Yells: "ITS FAKE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. ITS NOT REAL"

They go on their way with the little boy pleading his case.

So, not only did they not believe him, I'm pretty sure he soiled his Spiderman costume!

I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!

Let Him Eat Bread!!!!

So, this past Monday I had a oral surgery. Nothing horrible just a tooth pulled out. It was one in the back of my mouth so it took about 8 stitches to close it up. (If it was one of my front teeth that would've been a whole different posting). Well, I get the stitches out in a week but in the meantime my Periodontist(not sure spelled right?) tells me that I can't eat solid food for the entire week. I asked if that included Deep Dish Pizza, Chicken Wings and other healthy food I like to eat. He not only informed that those items weren't allowed but gave me a written list of what I could eat.

Yogurt
Mashed Potatoes
Soup
Pudding
Apple Sauce
V-8
Protein Drinks

The only item missing on the list is rice and then I would have diet of a dog that has a bad case of the runs.

So, I'm on day 5 and it's been pretty unpleasant.Hungry and bad headaches. The one thing I realize and should have known that this would be painful is that I need bread or a breadlike item at least once a day.( I usually have a bagel,sandwich,roll or bun once a day everyday) It must be the yeast,wheat or something because I'm getting carbs from the other stuff I'm eating. The last time I went without bread was about 8 years ago when the Aktins Diet was the rage. I went 2 days with no bread and other carbs and was such an irritable S.O.B. that my assistant at work said "If you don't go the SUBWAY right now and get a sub, I'm quitting!"


So I'm weathering these daylong headaches from no bread and just have to make it 3 more days. Fantasizing about watching my Bears play the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football with a Lou Malnati's X-Large Deep Dish Sausage Pizza in front of me.

By the way, the next person that ask me "Are you hungry?" will get this reply back.

"No, it's really not that bad because I distract myself by thinking about how big of morons people are that ask me "Are you hungry"

The Company Car That Changed My Life

It's 1995 and I've decided to leave my job as a multi line sporting goods sales representative. The sporting goods industry is changing massively and I'm not making anywhere close to the money I've envisioned making at this point in my selling career. So I'm networking, talking to friends and going on a lot on interviews.
It's come down to 2 jobs. I will get to job #2 later. The first job is with a company that sells Pharmaceutical Carts to nursing homes. Basically this is a rolling cart that has a ton of compartments to hold the meds for the residents of the nursing homes. Decent pay, benefits and mention of a company car. Well, I'm at the final interview with the Regional Vice President and another man that would be my local sales manager. They want me and are putting on the full court press. The last interview is at a very expensive restaurant and both men are kissing my ass so much that I'm getting uncomfortable. It's the end of the meal/interview and the Regional VP says "I think it's time we show you your company car. You'll be mainly using it for work but it's yours to use whenever you want" I'm thinking something decent. Maybe a nice sedan or even a SUV. We all walk to the parking lot and sitting in the lot is a Grayish 1/2 van 1/2 truck with one window on the drivers side.

My jaw dropped. This vehicle looked like a cross between a small UPS truck and a mental hospital ambulance. I wasn't sure if I had to become a member of the NSKA (National Serial Killer Association) to drive this thing.

Well, that closed the deal on me NOT taking the job.

Oh,and job #2? Well, Job #2 was becoming a sales representative for a small promotional products company. I took it and 15 years later, I'm the Vice President of a Promotional Products company that is in the top 5% nationally in sales volume and regarded as one of the premier companies in the industry.

Whew!, good thing there wasn't a Ford Taurus in that parking lot!

A Senior's Unfiltered Moment

Every November my wife and kids get in the car and drive to Wisconsin to spend Thanksgiving with her family. My wife's family includes her parents, 2 sisters and their families and her 100 year grandmother.
Grandma used to be a pretty robust woman but now she is quite frail and usually just sits quietly and observes. I've always loved Senior Citizens (mainly because of their honesty, like children) and always talk to my wife's grandmother. Mentally, she kind of in and out but not bad. So, at the dinner table I'm sitting next to Grandma making sure she's comfortable and getting her food. Well, everyone is eating(Grandma is eating like it's her last meal-Amazing!) and the discussion of how my wife and her sisters met all their husbands come up. Let me give you a little background. My wife is the youngest of 3 daughters. Her oldest sister married someone they knew for years while the middle daughter married their best friend's son. Of course, my wife marries this mental patient from a broken home in Chicago. Whatever! It worked out. As this discussion is going on, all of a sudden Grandma picks her head out of the feed bag she's working on and proclaims "I told Stan (my father in law) that Lisa shouldn't marry Danny. It's too soon! Stan don't let her marry him!" Everyone is silent as this century old woman is stating how my father in law shouldn't have let my wife marry me! So I say "Grandma, I'm sitting right next to you." She continues to state how my wife should have waited. I jokingly say "Grandma, you know all I have to do is snap my pinkie on your hip and it's going to break" Everyone at the dinner table is in hysterics. Then just as quickly as she shouted our her statement, she put her head down and continued to eat like a dock worker.
I can't wait until I'm 100 and can just say whatever the heck I want to say!

Classic Prank

This past Sunday I'm at a photographer's studio taking professional pictures for my upcoming new website. Unfortunately, no funny stories about my photo shoot at all except the one the photographer told me. My wife and I noticed on his color brochure that you can rent a lamb ( a live one) to take a cute picture with your child. I found that funny and ask him if he ever had any interesting pictures pertaining to the lamb. He did.
He told me that a man came in once and wanted a picture of himself wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Nothing else. He also wanted a live sheep in the picture. So the photographer takes the picture of the man lying on his side (His family jewels covered)with the sheep. So the afterwards the photographer ask "If you don't mind, I was wondering what this picture is for?" The man says there's a bar in Texas that will hang up any wacky photo/picture as long as it's not offensive. Well, this bar happens to be the same bar that this man's identical twin hangs out at. So his identical twin brother had to explain to everyone for the next year that it was not him in the picture but his identical twin brother in Chicago.

INSTANT CLASSIC!!!!

I wouldn't believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes

So my buddy and I golf every Friday early to get in a quick 3 hour round and then go to work. We tee off 6:15 A.M.

We get behind a guy and his son in a cart and two guys with pull carts

First of all, they’re playing from the back tees and they suck. Worst of all, they are playing so slow that you would have thought they were playing in the U.S. Open( it took everything in me not to lose it though a couple of holes I did yell loudly to “Come on!”

Well, we tee off on a hole and both my buddy and I are right down the middle of the fairway. We’re waiting for Dadddy/Son and the Pull Cart Brothers to putt.

All of a sudden a ball from another hole rolls about 20 yards from us( errant tee shot of another bad golfer)

We look and there is a giant Hawk swooping down by this ball. The Hawk is trying to pick up the ball( Must have thought it was an egg-I told my buddy he wanted to have sex with the ball)

Next thing you know this hawk picks up the ball in one claw and flies onto a branch of a nearby tree. Just sitting there

The bad golfer that hit the ball drives up and I say “Dude, you will not believe where your ball is”. I point to the tree and everyone is dying of laughter

The hawk dropped the ball and flew off

I told my buddy that we will never in our life see anything like that ever again

I took a pic of this with my phone so the pic is bad but what a story!

Great Shirt! Does it come in your size?

it's 1996 and I'm in my first year of selling promotional products and I get a meeting with a lawyer in a small firm in Chicago( about 5 lawyers). He says he wants to get polo shirts to give to clients and was thinking of gettting a good amount of shirts, maybe 12. 12?!?!? OK so his good amount and my good amount are obviously 2 different numbers. It's my first year and I will do any deal with anyone at this point. So I meet with him and bring in with about 10 different polos samples for him to look at. He's see one he likes and says "Mind if I try it on?" I say hesitantly "Sure" He closes his office door and proceeds to remove his dress shirt. Let me tell you, this was a man in his late 50's that probably hasn't been to a health club since leisure suits were in style and his chest was so hairy, I felt like saying "Maybe you want to take your sweater off before you try on the shirt" So, as I'm still recovering from throwing up in my mouth, this out of shape 1/2 man 1/2 gorilla is putting on the sample shirt. Well, the sample shirt is a size Medium and this guy is definately an XL ( probably one large lunch away from being an XXL). Children and pregant women would have been banned from watching this. He's has the shirt on (if it was any tighter it would have been painted on) and says "Hmmm, not sure about this. Can you get me a quote" I tell him no problem. As he's attempting to peel this polo shirt off, I tell him "You know what, Keep it"

I never got the order,never did a deal with him and never ever want to remember what I witnessed that day.

PASSOVER

Jewish food is really quite awful. Even when someone who knows how
to cook Jewish food well, its bad.

My Mother and Sisters couldn’t cook to save their lives. My
Mom’s Brisket last night was an all time low.

It tasted like the worst dried out beef jerky of all time. I never
use Ketchup( except on Hamburgers) and I had to put almost half a
bottle of Ketchup on my Mom’s brisket to get it down my throat. The
rest of the meal ( which my oldest sister cooked) would have caused
a riot at any maximum security prison.


So, Passover is the holiday to remember the suffering the Jews went
through to gain their freedom from slavery.

Those Jews had it easy. They didn’t have to eat any food cooked by
my relatives

A Sales Career was my Destiny

I got my first real job in sales at age 16 as a salesperson for a nationally known men’s shoe store in 1980. I loved it. I wore a bad blue blazer, poorly fitting khaki pants and a horrendous knit tie. I thought I was hot stuff. By the way I also looked like I was 11 years old. My sales manager was a creepy guy in his early 30's. He sounded like the worst used car salesman you ever heard. It didn’t help his image that he wore real shiny suits and had an awful 1970's adult film star mustache. He was a real piece of work.
I do have to give him credit in teaching me some selling basics like top down selling and handling objections. After a few months I got the hang of it and was selling like crazy. I was easily the #1 part time sales person and doing as well as some of the full timers. I definitely had a feel for sales and knew I enjoyed the challenge. The money wasn’t bad either.
My ego was the size of the Goodyear Blimp and I thought I knew everything. So one Sunday I was the only one in the store. I was feeling really good about myself. Imagining myself as sales manger, regional manager and then maybe CEO of the company. I had to stop myself and focus on the task at hand which at this time was reading the Sunday Sports Section of the newspaper. As I’m sitting in a chair in the showroom, I notice an elderly couple in their 50's walk in( people in their 50's are elderly to a 16 year old). They are looking around and I peer over the newspaper and say “Folks, if you need anything, just get me”. I continued to read my newspaper.
The next day I come to work and my sales manager is livid. He asks me how my day went in the store yesterday. I said fine. He asked if I noticed a couple in the store asking for help. I told him I didn’t remember( I absolutely did). He went on to tell me that a the Vice President of our company’s Eastern region was in yesterday with his wife and the sales person was just reading the newspaper. Uh Oh! He went on to give me the lecture of a lifetime and said he did everything not to get me fired. (He didn’t fire me because I was making the store’s monthly numbers look good which helped him keep his job).
I did learn a valuable lesson and at very young age. You will never know everything and never take any customer for granted. I was lucky to learn this lesson early on in my sales life. By the way, I have a feeling that my old sales manager is trying squeeze a size 8 onto a person who wears a size 9.