Big Brother

Growing up with an older brother who was not only 7 years older than me and who happened to be one of the best athletes in the area did 2 things to me.

#1-Made me somewhat of an athlete that enjoys playing and watching sports
#2-Scarred me for life!


FOOTBALL-Most brothers would play catch with the football. Go out for some long and short passes.  Not my brother.  We played Special Teams. Specifically Punt Returns. I'd be standing about 25-30 yards away and he's punt the football high in the sky. By the time it came down for me to catch it, he was was running at full speed to nail me.  Also, when we played there was one rule. NO FAIR CATCH. Nice!


BASEBALL-We played a game that some of you will remember called Fast Pitch. You'd play at the school yard with a rubber baseball.  One guy would pitch against the school brick wall which had a spray painted rectangle to act as the strike zone. You'd get hits, or fly/ground out, walk or strike out.  This is how it went with my brother. If he didn't pitch a no-hitter, he'd lose his mind.  So if I got a hit one of 2 things would happen.  He would either say "Game over, I'm done" and walk off or worse, the next pitch after I got a hit would be thrown as hard as he could throw and would be air marked for my leg, arm or ribs. Can you say anger management issues?

BASKETBALL- Most older brothers might play horse or 21 with their much younger brothers but not my big brother.  We'd play one-on-one. He'd play defense as hard as he could. He didn't let me score. I'm not saying this figuratively but literally.  For about 4 years, I didn't score a point on him.  4 YEARS!  So I'm a freshman at Ohio State and playing a casual game of 3 on 3 with some guys but it's not casual for me. I'm playing really hard and scoring a lot.  One guy says "Hey man, relax it's just for fun" in which I replied "You relax, I' haven't scored a point in 4 years!"

HOCKEY-Saved the best for last. My brother was an All- State Hockey Player in Illinois his senior year of high school. So of course, it makes perfect sense to make his 11 year old brother  play goalie in the basement while he fired tennis balls with a real wood hockey stick  from point blank range.(You starting to figure out why I'm so demented?). He would put me in old hockey pants, give me a sawed off plastic hockey stick along with a baseball mitt  and in an attempt to protect me from his slapshots/wristshots, a plastic $3.99 Tony Esposito Goalie mask. I actually wasn't that bad. Then one day he blasts a slap shot from about 15 feet away and it hits me square in the chest.  I drop and cannot breathe. In a panic, he runs over to attend to me. I cannot breathe and this rocket scientist is pumping my legs like a butter churn saying "You better not tell Mom about this" Oh the compassion.

As we got older, I eventually could hold my own with him when we played sports against each other.(Really a weird feeling when I finally beat him in One-on-One Basketball). All this being said, my older brother was a tremendous big brother who would hang out with his brother who was so much younger and always look out for me. I will never ever forget the fact that on Friday nights when he was 18, he would always pick up fast food for me and him on his way home from hanging with his friends knowing I'd be waiting up to see him. Those are the times I remember most which is amazing since I wasn't allowed to fair catch any punts!

Anyone Got An Aspirin?

It's the spring of 1985 at Ohio State, my sophomore year.  A beautiful Saturday afternoon and my buddies and I are playing basketball at our fraternity house hoop court. There's a break in the game and we notice something. Down the street from our fraternity house is another fraternity house. The Phi Delts. They were basically the "IT" house on campus. Every member of their house was either an athlete at Ohio State, on student government or just really popular(picture the OMEGA House from Animal House). These guys grew up to be the Wall Street guys and Politicians that screw the poor so they can get rich. Nice fellas. Well, there's about 7 guys on their roof and they doing something but we really can't tell what they're doing. Then we notice 3 guys operating what looks like a gigantic slingshot. Two guys are on the left and right holding the slingshot and one guy is directly behind it pulling back on it. Well, we see the guy in the middle pull back and let go. We're not sure what they launched but they all starting screaming after whatever they launched hit something. We can now tell they're launching water balloons.  Now they're ready to launch another one. We see them loading the water balloon into the slingshot and they are actually pointed in our direction. We're not too worried because in between their house and our house are 2 small apartment buildings and a halfway house for women. (Basically, really dirty women that have been convicted of lesser crimes such as shoplifting and writing bad checks. Also, date material for some guys in our fraternity house if they were allowed to bring their parole officers) which is right next store to our house. We're talking about almost a block away. Pretty far. The next thing you know, They have launched another water balloon and it's coming right at our house. As this projectile gets closer to us, I yell "INCOMING". Then as if  it had a Military Guidance System on it, the water balloon hits me directly on top of my head. BOOMMM!!! This water balloon explodes on my head. This thing felt like a pineapple made of cement. I can't believe that not only did it not knock me down but that it didn't knock me out. I did get my bell rung and was more than a bit dizzy. My buddies are laughing so hard that I think they were peeing on themselves. The Hitler Youth at the other fraternity house were cheering and screaming not really concerned that they probably could've been charged with attempted murder. I have to admit, if someone else would have been nailed in the head with a water balloon from a block away, I would have laughed my ass off too.

Insert Foot in Mouth Part 2

This posting will be appreciated if you've ever been pregnant, been to the Jewish ceremony called a Bris or been around a total jerk. So the year is 2002 and I'm attending the Bris of one of my closest friend's son. A Bris is a Jewish ceremony where a Jewish baby boy 8 days old gets circumcised by a religious half surgeon/half Kosher butcher in front of his parents, all of their family and friends. It's brutal(especially for the little fella getting his equipment trimmed). Luckily for the baby, they dab a cloth that has wine on it in the baby's mouth to soothe him(basically the kid is drunk when the public surgery is performed). Well, this is not about the Bris but about something I was fortunate to witness at the Bris. Someone saying something unbelievably stupid who wasn't me. After the Bris, which was performed at a synagogue in this case, there is usually food and drinks for the guests.(Stand too close to the ceremony and you won't have an appetite, trust me). So I happen to be sitting at a table with the dad of the Bris Boy and a guy he works with. Well, this guy seemed a little slick. Not to stereotype all sales people(I've been in sales for 25 years so believe me, I don't disparage sales people) but this guy seemed a bit full of himself, kind of loud and kind of obnoxious. Half the time he said something, I would give my friend a look like "Is this gasbag for real?". Well, my friend had to leave to mingle with his other guests so I was left with Mr.Slick. Fortunately another guy sat down next to me who I knew. It was my friend Colin, the brother-in-law of my closest friend from college. Great guy. I introduce him to Mr. Slick. I'm talking with Colin and he's telling me about his work and his wife(Who is the sister of the same close friend from college and knew since she was 18). Colin also told me that his wife was 7 months pregnant. All this time, Mr. Slick is talking the head off of some poor soul sitting next to him not really paying any attention to me or Colin. Next thing you know  Colin's pregnant wife walks over and says hi to me. She immediately got called away from another friend without even acknowledging her husband. She's gone and Mr. Slick says to me and Colin "Hey, pregnancy has really treated that broad right. Did you see the rack on her?" Danny being Danny, I couldn't pass this one up. It was a layup. I say" Actually I didn't but this guy next me might have. Hey Colin did you notice that pregnant woman?" Colin replies "Actually I did" I then say to Mr. Slick,"Oh yeah, I forgot, that pregnant woman is Colin's wife" Mr. Slick turned white. He then said something like "Uh, Uh, I have to leave" and off he went. Colin and I looked at each other and just started laughing. Colin then said "Of all people I know, you are absolutely the perfect person to be here when that idiot made that comment." My good deeds seem to never end.