The year is 2009 and it's homecoming time at my daughter's high school. She's was a freshman at the time and just became friends with a new group of girls. So as dances, proms and other social events are done in today's world, 2 things occur.
The first thing is that most kids theses days go to dances like it's fantasy football. The boys don't ask out individual girls but they organize groups with matching up couples and friends helping other friends out. Some of these kid's dates are complete strangers. Go figure. The second thing is that in today's world, Homecoming, Prom and Turnabout(Sadie Hawkin's Dance for you old folks) have become such over the top events that they range from small Bar Mitzvah to Princess Diana's wedding..Crazy. What happened to going to the dance and nice dinner..Not today. Limos, $200 dinners, staying overnight somewhere and just general over the top behavior is the norm.
OK, back to my daughter's homecoming. She's in a new group of friends(which by the way, she wasn't friends with these girls 2 months later) that have figured out this year's homecoming roster. My daughter is going with a boy she really doesn't know but that's par for the course. So the weekend arrives and of course, there is a pre-Homecoming Dance get together at the house of the Queen Bee of the girls. This get together is for pictures and hors d'oeuvres. Basically, this is to document the night via pictures that will be on FACEBOOK 3 minutes after they are taken to show the world what a great time and how cool everyone is. My wife and I show up at this person's house with my wife's famous taco dip (easily the best food item my wife makes with her banana bread a close 2nd). So we enter this house and it's like a bad business cocktail party. My daughter is hanging with the girls and the boys are all standing in a corner. Meanwhile, my wife and I are making small talk with people we just met. I actually enjoy meeting new people but these people were BORING!!! Brutally boring. Well, what happens when Danny gets bored? He finds the need to entertain himself and that's usually at the expense of some unexpected soul.
So, I'm walking around and my opportunity hits me smack in the face. Most of the parents are in the kitchen and it just so happens that the 7 boys of this gala event are standing in the kitchen also. Another interesting thing is one of the dads is standing with these 7 boys. The boys are dressed in standard teenage boy dance attire. Light Blue Oxford shirt and khaki pants(change the shirt to a red polo and they all look like they work for Office Max). The dad standing by these boys, is also wearing a light blue oxford shirt and khaki pants. This is a layup for me. So there is a break in conversation and awkward silence in the room. I decide to move in for the kill. I walk up to the dad and the 7 boys and say to the dad, "Hey, did you guys get a deal at the clothing shop? You buy 7 little outfits and get the big one free?" My wife laughed and the rest of the crowd was dead silent. The dad I busted on really didn't appreciate being lumped with the fashion style of 14 year old boys. Tough crowd. It also probably wasn't good that the guy I goofed on my daughter's date's father. At that point my wife and I quietly left the house with our Taco Dip(no one touched that or any of the food that we were instructed to bring) and ate it for dinner. It ended up that my daughter had a nice time and I continued to consecutive streak of pissing someone off at every social function I attend
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
Bad Hotel
This past weekend was one of the most enjoyable weekends that I've had in my life. It was Dad's Weekend at University of Illinois and I spent it visiting my oldest daughter who is a freshman. I got to see how her college life is going. She doing great so far and having a great time which makes me so happy ( and jealous! Man, college life is the best!)...Well, this is not about my visit or how my daughter is doing but about the hotel I had the 1st night of the weekend.
So being new a college dad, I didn't realize that I had to book my hotel for Dad's Weekend when my daughter was in kindergarten. All the decent hotels on campus were booked solid and I started to search for any hotel that might have a room for 2 nights in the area. If you're not familiar with the University of Illinois, It's in Champaign, Illinois which is as rural as it gets in Illinois. Let's just say after Champaign, the closest towns to Champaign probably just got indoor plumbing. So I finally find a room at a Days Inn in Rantoul, Illinois. Rantoul is quiet town 15 miles from the University of Illinois that has a Walmart, McDonald's, a gun shop and a couple of hotels/motels that probably haven't seen a building inspector in a good 20 years. I pull into the parking lot and wasn't initially that concerned. I went to the front desk where there was a kid working,who by the way he looked, made me fairly confident that his mom and dad were at minimum 1st cousins but probably brother and sister. Also I believe that "Dueling Banjos" was playing in the background to give the hotel more ambiance. So "Gomer" tells me about my room, check in and check out. I ask "Is there some kind of breakfast in the morning?" He replies "Oh yeah, we should have coffee, water and there's a shot there will be donuts too". The Four Seasons has nothing on this place. I get my room key and drive around to the back to go to my room. Well, it's been a long time since I've had a room with the door on the outside of the hotel but this room had it. The hotel officially became a motel. I enter the room and the disappointment continued. The motif for this room was 1970's bad discolored yellow. I mean this room(and I'm assuming the rest of the hotel must have been the same) was last updated right around when Nixon was in office. Bad clock radio that was constantly blinking. The TV was an old box version that probably wasn't replaced because it was too heavy to move. The bed, well I've tried to block that out, so sorry for no description at this time. The bathroom was discolored yellow with a shower curtain that had stains that were either mold, dead bugs or God knows what. The towels, which there was only one bath towel and one wash cloth, were not made for human skin. There was a bar of soap and a little bottle of shampoo that I had to to double check to make sure that it wasn't a bottle of WD40. The best part of this room was the lock on the door. It was a chain. Yes, a chain that any hard working serial killer could dismantle with a butter knife. So now I'm feeling really safe. Picture the scene in the movie "BIG" where Tom Hanks spends his 1st night as a grown up in a seedy flop house in the city. Yes, I was minutes away from barricading the door with the 400 lb TV and lying in the fetal position in bed. I then realize I left something in my car and had to go get it. I open the door and standing right in front of me is a man who weighed about 275 lbs shirtless...shirtless!!!! He says in an inbred drawl,"Man, I love a cool night like tonight". I'm thinking, Dude, I''ll give you $100 to put a shirt on! As I quickly move away from the Hillbilly Fabio, I go to my car and notice that there are lot of rooms with the doors open and some really scary looking people milling around. These were not Boy Scouts. I'm guessing there was a Meth Lab Convention being held at this motel. So I quickly get back to my room, lock the door and call my wife to tell her where my life insurance policy was. I woke up after sleeping maybe 8 minutes the entire night and cannot wait to get out of there. I quickly take a shower(Brown water is not bad for you, is it?) and I then check out (I was super lucky to find a nice hotel available for my 2nd night on campus- Thank you Hotels.com)...The funny thing is that as I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw a mix of BMW's and Audi's along with the pick up trucks and methmobiles(rusted out Camry's and I think I actually saw an El Camino). So half the motel was occupied by parents like me visiting their kids and the other half was extremely sketchy folks. Gotta love America!
So being new a college dad, I didn't realize that I had to book my hotel for Dad's Weekend when my daughter was in kindergarten. All the decent hotels on campus were booked solid and I started to search for any hotel that might have a room for 2 nights in the area. If you're not familiar with the University of Illinois, It's in Champaign, Illinois which is as rural as it gets in Illinois. Let's just say after Champaign, the closest towns to Champaign probably just got indoor plumbing. So I finally find a room at a Days Inn in Rantoul, Illinois. Rantoul is quiet town 15 miles from the University of Illinois that has a Walmart, McDonald's, a gun shop and a couple of hotels/motels that probably haven't seen a building inspector in a good 20 years. I pull into the parking lot and wasn't initially that concerned. I went to the front desk where there was a kid working,who by the way he looked, made me fairly confident that his mom and dad were at minimum 1st cousins but probably brother and sister. Also I believe that "Dueling Banjos" was playing in the background to give the hotel more ambiance. So "Gomer" tells me about my room, check in and check out. I ask "Is there some kind of breakfast in the morning?" He replies "Oh yeah, we should have coffee, water and there's a shot there will be donuts too". The Four Seasons has nothing on this place. I get my room key and drive around to the back to go to my room. Well, it's been a long time since I've had a room with the door on the outside of the hotel but this room had it. The hotel officially became a motel. I enter the room and the disappointment continued. The motif for this room was 1970's bad discolored yellow. I mean this room(and I'm assuming the rest of the hotel must have been the same) was last updated right around when Nixon was in office. Bad clock radio that was constantly blinking. The TV was an old box version that probably wasn't replaced because it was too heavy to move. The bed, well I've tried to block that out, so sorry for no description at this time. The bathroom was discolored yellow with a shower curtain that had stains that were either mold, dead bugs or God knows what. The towels, which there was only one bath towel and one wash cloth, were not made for human skin. There was a bar of soap and a little bottle of shampoo that I had to to double check to make sure that it wasn't a bottle of WD40. The best part of this room was the lock on the door. It was a chain. Yes, a chain that any hard working serial killer could dismantle with a butter knife. So now I'm feeling really safe. Picture the scene in the movie "BIG" where Tom Hanks spends his 1st night as a grown up in a seedy flop house in the city. Yes, I was minutes away from barricading the door with the 400 lb TV and lying in the fetal position in bed. I then realize I left something in my car and had to go get it. I open the door and standing right in front of me is a man who weighed about 275 lbs shirtless...shirtless!!!! He says in an inbred drawl,"Man, I love a cool night like tonight". I'm thinking, Dude, I''ll give you $100 to put a shirt on! As I quickly move away from the Hillbilly Fabio, I go to my car and notice that there are lot of rooms with the doors open and some really scary looking people milling around. These were not Boy Scouts. I'm guessing there was a Meth Lab Convention being held at this motel. So I quickly get back to my room, lock the door and call my wife to tell her where my life insurance policy was. I woke up after sleeping maybe 8 minutes the entire night and cannot wait to get out of there. I quickly take a shower(Brown water is not bad for you, is it?) and I then check out (I was super lucky to find a nice hotel available for my 2nd night on campus- Thank you Hotels.com)...The funny thing is that as I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw a mix of BMW's and Audi's along with the pick up trucks and methmobiles(rusted out Camry's and I think I actually saw an El Camino). So half the motel was occupied by parents like me visiting their kids and the other half was extremely sketchy folks. Gotta love America!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Movie Night
I am somewhat of a movie snob. As it may come to a shock to anyone reading this, I'm extremely picky when it comes to movies. I might see 1 or 2 a year and they have to be either the Academy Award Winner for Best Picture or a really good movie that makes me think. I'm not into Rom-Coms(Romantic Comedy), ridiculous over the top special effect blockbusters or comedies that are just plain unfunny(Can you do anything better than that Steve Carell?). Also, if I see a movie that I did not like or if it royally sucked(The Artist), I may ban the industry for a year and see no movies. So now you know that when it comes to movies(like a lot of things in my crazy ass life) I'm a psycho.
So this past Friday night my wife and i decide to go see a movie. We choose a small theater complex close to us that shows the artsy fartsy films that the masses usually don't go to see. The complex has 6 small theaters in it and we choose a foreign film about an Arab surgeon who has assimilated in Israel and finds out his wife is a suicide bomber that just killed about 17 people including 11 children. Deep flick and just reinforced to me that there is no need to ever continue peace talks between the Israelis and the Arabs because these kids will never get a long. That is probably the last time you will ever hear me speak about my political or religious views( unless I need to tell you folks something funny that pertains to politics or religion)
What I have to tell you about is the actual experience of this movie theater. The theater only had 30 seats in it. These were not your normal movie seats. These bad boys were full leather electronic recliners. I'm not talking about reclining a bit to give you a Laz E Boy effect, I'm talking about this chair reclining to the point where its basically the equivalent of you lying on your couch long ways watching TV at home. The only thing missing was the Snuggie you have to keep you cozy. This was easily the most comfortable I've ever been at a movie theater. Picture 30 people lying on their couches at home watching a movie. Better yet, picture 30 people at a Senior Center on their couches watching a movie. My wife and I were the youngest people there with the next youngest people being about 97 years old. Some of these folk's first movie was The Ten Commandments and I'm not talking about the one with Charleton Heston as Moses, I'm talking about the one with the REAL Moses. The next thing that happened could only happen in this theater filled will geriatric affluent Jewish people. Before the movie starts, the Manager( I believe he was the oldest usher and only usher there not on drugs) says that they sold 30 tickets but there are 31 people needing seats. He goes on to say that if you don't have your ticket stub, then you have to leave. Oh yeah, that went over really well. Why didn't he just say "Anyone know if Hitler is spelled with one T or two T's?"..None the less, ticket stub or no ticket stub no one was moving an inch( I think most of the theater goers would need some help from a physical therapist to get out of these chairs anyhow)...I'm not sure what happened but they figured it out and the movie began. So we're watching this deep movie and at about the hour mark, something is happening. Think about yourself at home alone watching a movie relaxed on your couch. Think about what happens next. That's right, the bodily functions start kicking in. All of a sudden, the theater has become the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. I'm not talking about a little bitty passing of wind, we're talking about the seniors letting go some serious bombs. It must have been busy at the early bird special at the deli in town. Let's not forget what also happens when very relaxed on the couch. Half the crowd is sleeping and dreaming about the corned beef on rye they had 3 hours earlier(which lucky for me, I get to hear via the air biscuits they're launching) So now in this intense movie, my wife and I are like 7 year old kids in school after a classmate farts in the middle class. We're laughing hysterically and can't believe what is going on. Well, the movie ended and most of the audience woke up to leave. Easily the most relaxing and entertaining movie I've seen in years and by the way, I probably wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.
So this past Friday night my wife and i decide to go see a movie. We choose a small theater complex close to us that shows the artsy fartsy films that the masses usually don't go to see. The complex has 6 small theaters in it and we choose a foreign film about an Arab surgeon who has assimilated in Israel and finds out his wife is a suicide bomber that just killed about 17 people including 11 children. Deep flick and just reinforced to me that there is no need to ever continue peace talks between the Israelis and the Arabs because these kids will never get a long. That is probably the last time you will ever hear me speak about my political or religious views( unless I need to tell you folks something funny that pertains to politics or religion)
What I have to tell you about is the actual experience of this movie theater. The theater only had 30 seats in it. These were not your normal movie seats. These bad boys were full leather electronic recliners. I'm not talking about reclining a bit to give you a Laz E Boy effect, I'm talking about this chair reclining to the point where its basically the equivalent of you lying on your couch long ways watching TV at home. The only thing missing was the Snuggie you have to keep you cozy. This was easily the most comfortable I've ever been at a movie theater. Picture 30 people lying on their couches at home watching a movie. Better yet, picture 30 people at a Senior Center on their couches watching a movie. My wife and I were the youngest people there with the next youngest people being about 97 years old. Some of these folk's first movie was The Ten Commandments and I'm not talking about the one with Charleton Heston as Moses, I'm talking about the one with the REAL Moses. The next thing that happened could only happen in this theater filled will geriatric affluent Jewish people. Before the movie starts, the Manager( I believe he was the oldest usher and only usher there not on drugs) says that they sold 30 tickets but there are 31 people needing seats. He goes on to say that if you don't have your ticket stub, then you have to leave. Oh yeah, that went over really well. Why didn't he just say "Anyone know if Hitler is spelled with one T or two T's?"..None the less, ticket stub or no ticket stub no one was moving an inch( I think most of the theater goers would need some help from a physical therapist to get out of these chairs anyhow)...I'm not sure what happened but they figured it out and the movie began. So we're watching this deep movie and at about the hour mark, something is happening. Think about yourself at home alone watching a movie relaxed on your couch. Think about what happens next. That's right, the bodily functions start kicking in. All of a sudden, the theater has become the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. I'm not talking about a little bitty passing of wind, we're talking about the seniors letting go some serious bombs. It must have been busy at the early bird special at the deli in town. Let's not forget what also happens when very relaxed on the couch. Half the crowd is sleeping and dreaming about the corned beef on rye they had 3 hours earlier(which lucky for me, I get to hear via the air biscuits they're launching) So now in this intense movie, my wife and I are like 7 year old kids in school after a classmate farts in the middle class. We're laughing hysterically and can't believe what is going on. Well, the movie ended and most of the audience woke up to leave. Easily the most relaxing and entertaining movie I've seen in years and by the way, I probably wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone.
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