You Don't Bring A Pea Shooter To A Gunfight

It's 1982, my junior year in high school and time for the traditional "Sadie Hawkins" Dance. For those of you not familiar or from another planet, it's the dance where girls ask boys to the dance. Well, I didn't have a girlfriend(didn't have a girlfriend my entire high school career-Que the violins) so I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be asked. I really didn't care because as much as I was into girls, I never got upset about going to or not going to dances. About 4 days before the dance, a girl, we'll call her Traci, asked me to go to the dance. Let me tell you about Traci. She was a Cheerleader, in the "IN" crowd and I'd say she was cute. I figured that all of her buddies had dates and she wanted to go to the dance, needed a date and hence, asked me. So I said "yes" and was kind of excited.The night of the dance, I get dressed, get some form of floral arrangement to give Traci and go pick her up. Everything seemed to be all in line for a great night. We arrive at the high school and the place is rockin'. We walked in and probably 3 minutes to arriving, Traci takes off. She just up and leaves me to hang with her buddies. What?!?!  I'm standing there by myself and my date is socializing with everyone but me. Literally like I wasn't there. Was I just her taxi service? So for the next 30 minutes, I'm standing in a corner of the gym with the other morons who's dates also dumped them. There where about 9 of us and we're all bewildered. Well, me being me, I said  to the other guys " I don't know about you guys but this is bullshit and I'm leaving". One guy says, "You can't just leave your date?" I said "Watch me". So I left. I got in my car drove to my friend's house(he also did not get asked) and told him what happened. He said "Man, I can't believe you left Traci at the dance". I replied, "Screw her, she probably hasn't even figured out that I left" So the weekend went by and back to school on Monday. On Monday about 3 of Traci's friends came up to me and attempted to give me grief. After about 20 seconds of these 3 girls yelling at me, i just walked away. Whatever. At the end of the day, I'm getting ready to go to soccer practice and I walk by the Booster Booth. This is where over enthusiastic parents of the "IN" crowd kids(You know the type because they're at every high school in America) worked trying to sell everything from M & M's to sweatshirts so the school can get a new snow cone machine or some other piece of worthless crap for the school. As I walk by a mother leaves the booth and approaches me. It's Traci's mom and she's primed to let me have it. She starts in with "You're the boy that left my daughter at the dance" I'm stunned that this adult has gotten up to confront me. She continues with "You are a rude boy and have awful manners" Well, this woman didn't know who she was dealing with. I'm sure she thought that I would cower to her abuse. Guess again lady. As she pauses to take a breath, I'm thinking, "OK lady, now it's my turn" I say to her, "You know what lady? Your daughter asks me to the dance and then ignored me the second we got there, so  actually it's your daughter who is the rude one with no manners. I'm also guessing that since you're her mother, she learned it from you." This woman was shell shocked. She probably couldn't believe that this 5'3" kid is reaming her ass out and I'm  not finished. I then tell her "Why don't you go back into the booth and figure out how you raised such a little bitch".  Traci's mom was flustered and didn't know what to say. She goes into the booth grabs her purse and leaves the high school in a hurry. It's safe to say Traci and I would not be going to prom that year.

That Sucked!

It's the summer of 1982. Myself and 3 buddies have just found out there's a liquor store in the town next to ours where you can find adults to get you beer or as many of us fondly called "Copping some beer". So the 4 of us pile into my father's Olds 88 (Basically a Sherman Tank with Maroon upholstery) and head to this liquor store. We park towards the back of the parking lot and start asking any person we see if they will buy us a case of beer. No luck. Not only is no one going to buy us beer but we are getting every thing from dirty looks to people saying "Do your parents know what you are doing?" ( I felt like saying "Yeah they do. So besides the case of beer, can you also buy a bottle of Jack Daniels for my old man"). Finally a scruffy looking guy in his late 50's says "Sure, I'll buy you a case. Give me the money." Victory! We give him the $15 we scraped together and off he went. 2 seconds after he walked into the liquor store, we hear a siren and see flashing red lights. DAMN!!! A policeman pulls into the parking lot. He tells us to put our hands on the side of my car. As he's frisking us and lecturing us on the evils of underage drinking, the guy is walking out of the store with our case of beer. He sees whats going on and just keeps walking to his car. To add insult to injury as he's walking to his car he's waving to us and mouthing the words "Thank you" Rat Bastard!  We 're out $15, didn't get any beer and a degenerate that will buy booze for children just got a free case of beer courtesy of us. Another lesson learned. If you're going to give an adult money to buy alcohol for children, make sure they're trustworthy.

I Hope This Doesn't Go On My Permanent Record

Let me preface this posting(like I have on a few in the past) that the names on this posting have been changed to protect the moronic individuals involved in this.(Though most of the people involved are either in jail or illiterate). It's June 1983 and I'm a senior in high school with about a week left of school. I've already been accepted to Ohio State and all I have to do is take a few more final exams. It doesn't even matter at this point what grade I get on the final exams as long as I pass them. The last final exam I have to take is in a class called Earth Science. It is an entry level science I forgot to take as a freshman so I had to take it. My class consists of about 20 freshman, myself and 2 other seniors, Pete and Steve. Pete and Steve were not what you would call model citizens but I bonded with them being a senior like them and also not wanting to get my butt kicked by them(If you know me then you know that in the 4 years of being in school with them I had to have goofed on them at least once). So I really wasn't planning on studying too hard for the final knowing all I had to do was basically get a D on the test. Well, 2 days before the exam, Pete tells me he has a copy of the final exam. I said "Are you sure it's the same test we're going to be taking?" He said, " It should be. When I broke into Mrs. Kelly's office, it was sitting right on top of her desk" Broke into Mrs. Kelly's office?!?!?! Good enough for me. Pete, Steve and myself go to Steve's house and start looking at the exam. I say to both of these Rhodes Scholars,"Listen, we don't want to get 100% on the test. We need to get a few wrong." Both Pete and Steve agreed with the plan. The day of the test comes, a Wednesday and it's the same test. Nice! We breeze through it and leave. On Friday, we go to the classroom where the test scores should be posted on the door and there are no test scores. Huh? There's a huge note on the door that says TEST SCORES INCOMPLETE. This is not good! I'm starting to get really nervous. Correction, I'm starting to freak out! I run to Mrs. Kelly's office to see if she is there. I walk in and she's sitting at her desk not looking too happy. Before I could get a word out, she says in the sternest voice "Danny,my office was broken into and the test was stolen. 2 out of the 3 seniors got 100% on the test(way to follow the plan fellas). Every student is being questioned. I will need to speak with you on Monday morning at 9:00 A.M. and Mr.Fisher(The principle of the high school) will be there too." HOLY FREAKIN' MOLY!!!!!! Now I'm in full on panic mode. My life is over. I'm going to get expelled, my mother  is going to kill me and if she doesn't I'm going to be working as an assistant night manager at a Taco Bell the rest of my life. OH MY GOD!!! So the first thing I do after I talk to Mrs. Kelly is meet with Pete and Steve. They are remarkably calm.(Probably because theft of a final exam is probably not too stressful compared other things they've been involved in like armed robbery and auto theft). We're trying to figure out how to get out of this jam and all Pete is saying is "I'm going to find out what freshman told on us and beat the shit out of him!" Not really the constructive problem solving conversation I was looking for. Steve is telling me how he thinks that we should just say we found the exam the day before the test sitting on a table in the cafeteria. Oh Brother!  I'm in deep you know what! My entire future is on the line and I'm partnered up with the love children of Charles Manson and the 3 Stooges. Steve came up with a few other bonehead ideas while Pete is sitting there mumbling something about body dismemberment or something and I tell them, "I have to leave." Also nice timing on this. Happens on a Friday so I have all weekend to think about how I just threw my life down the toilet. All this time, I haven't said a thing to my mother. It's killing me and I finally pull her aside and tell her what happened. Amazingly, she was understanding( not happy at all about it)and gave me great advice. She said go in and tell the truth. Basically ask for mercy from my teacher and the principle. The one thing I had going for me was that I was a good student and had never been in trouble(or at least caught) before. It's Monday morning and after 48 hours of no sleep, I walk into Mrs. Kelly's office where the principle is sitting and say" Mrs. Kelly, Mr. Fisher, I did see the test, I didn't break into your office and take the exam and I don't know who did"(that lie was to protect the others and my physical well being). They paused(for what seemed like a lifetime) then Mrs.Kelly said "Danny, I'm really disappointed in you but I know you're a good student and everyone is entitled to a second chance. You will get a D in my class but you will graduate" WHEWWWWW!!!!!! I walked out of her office and ran home to tell my mother. Again, she was not happy and it absolutely scared me so much that I never ever again thought of doing anything like that in the future. Oh, about Steve and Pete. They got off easier than I thought(considering there was a break in and theft). They both had to go to summer school but did graduate and to this day I still think Pete is looking to beat the shit out of that freshman that told on him.

Not The Smartest Thing i've Ever Done

It's October 1991 and I'm on my honeymoon in Negril, Jamaica. Beautiful weather. beautiful beach and 10 days of just a wonderful time with my new bride. Due to safety(Jamaica isn't the safest country in the world), we basically just stayed at our resort. Though, one day the cabana boy(He looked like Scottie Pippen's Jamaican twin brother) who took me water skiing everyday told me about a place my wife and I had to go. Rick's Cafe up in the mountains. This place was known for it's beautiful sunsets and cliff diving. We take a 20 minute cab ride and arrive there with about 100 other tourists and regulars. The sunset is about 2 hours away so we belly up to the bar and get some drinks. As we're relaxing with the other patrons there seems to a bit of a commotion going on. It looks like the cliff diving show is about to begin. Now, I'd had seen cliff diving shows before in Mexico so I figured it was similar. Some underage peasant boys in Speedos doing dives from really high cliffs into about 6 feet of water. Love that stuff. To our surprise this wasn't a show at all. It was just a cliff by the bar that anyone could jump or dive off of. There were little Jamaican kids jumping off and a few men. I look at my wife and say "I've gotta try this!" She says, " I don't think just anyone is allowed to jump off that cliff." all of a sudden a patron( a pasty chunky fellow from the United States) goes to the cliff and jumps in. I said " Oh yeah? I'm doing it!" So I remove my t shirt, shoes and socks. I'm standing at the edge of the cliff in just my shorts. My wife is about 100 feet below with our camera.(Man, too bad Flip Cameras weren't around then!). People are cheering me on to do this. I look over the cliff and figure its about 75 feet to the bottom. One slight problem. About 10-20 feet below the top of the cliff, the cliff juts out about 10 feet. So not only am I jumping off a 75 foot cliff but i have to actually take a running start to clear the portion of the cliff sticking out. I take a deep breath and start my run. I get to the edge and make my leap. It seems like I'm in the air for minutes (actually about 4 seconds) and I'm realizing "Geez, this is really high up!" I hit the water and immediately think to myself "Yes, I've just broken both my feet!" I didn't break anything luckily but the splash I made had a diameter of about 10 feet. ( My mother-in-law later commented after seeing the picture of the splash "Oh look, Danny is in a hot tub.") I popped back up to cheers from the crowd. My new wife just looked at me and said "If I knew you were going to do this, I would have bought a hell of a lot of life insurance on you"