Lamaze Class

It's November 1994 and my wife is 8 months pregnant with our first daughter.  As new parents we read a lot of books on parenting(actually my wife did, I would ask for the Cliff Notes version-what a shock), watch any show on parenting and tried to be as prepared as possible for being 1st time parents. Well, one thing we hemmed and hawed about was taking a Lamaze Class.  Basically, Lamaze is to help expectant parents(really the mothers) learn about what to expect when giving birth, naturally.  Yes, naturally. Meaning no drugs and as I soon found out, sometimes giving birth in the home with a midwife.  Now, the reason we waited so long to take this class was that my wife was always going to give birth in a hospital and  take drugs when she was in labor(Hell, she'll tell you she had to take drugs to make the baby!). We decided to take a Monday night class.  The first night we get there, we're sitting with about 10 couples and this woman walks in who I'm assuming is the teacher. She was not only the teacher but she was the perkiest, most high strung human I've ever encountered. I mean she made Richard Simmons look like he was in a coma.  OK, so Ms. Mary Happy Sunshine, starts talking about what to expect and then we go right to a video.  The video was of a woman giving birth naturally in her home. I'm telling you, I've seen horror movies that were less disturbing.  I mean this woman didn't look like she was giving birth. She looked like she was being tortured by Al Quaida.  Sitting next to me is a woman who either was having triplets or lived really close to a Burger King and I looked at her and said "You going to do that?" She looked at me like I had 2 heads and said "of course I am" OK then. After the video, the teacher has us break into couples and to discuss amongst each other our experiences in pregnancy. My wife and I are fortunate  get a Chinese couple who I think had been in the country 4 days. They didn't speak a lick of English and the 4 of us basically sat there smiling at each other for the next 15 minutes. At the end of the class, I told me wife that we really don't need to go to this again. She wanted to go one more time and I agreed. So it's a week later and Mary Happy Sunshine is fired up again like a poodle that has had one too many STARBUCKS coffee. I couldn't tell you what went on the 1st 45 minutes because I wasn't remotely paying attention and then Ms. Sunshine says "Alright Mommies and Daddies, now we're going to learn a massage relaxation technique. I want Mommies to get on all fours and Daddies get behind them" I then say loudly "That's how we ended up in this class!".  My wife is laughing but no else is and Mary Happy Sunshine is looking at me like I just ran her naturally born child over. So, safe to say that this was our last class. A month later with a full epidural, my wife gave birth to a beautiful healthy daughter and all I could think of was "I can't believe I missed Monday Night Football to go to that horseshit class"