So, this past Monday I had a oral surgery. Nothing horrible just a tooth pulled out. It was one in the back of my mouth so it took about 8 stitches to close it up. (If it was one of my front teeth that would've been a whole different posting). Well, I get the stitches out in a week but in the meantime my Periodontist(not sure spelled right?) tells me that I can't eat solid food for the entire week. I asked if that included Deep Dish Pizza, Chicken Wings and other healthy food I like to eat. He not only informed that those items weren't allowed but gave me a written list of what I could eat.
Yogurt
Mashed Potatoes
Soup
Pudding
Apple Sauce
V-8
Protein Drinks
The only item missing on the list is rice and then I would have diet of a dog that has a bad case of the runs.
So, I'm on day 5 and it's been pretty unpleasant.Hungry and bad headaches. The one thing I realize and should have known that this would be painful is that I need bread or a breadlike item at least once a day.( I usually have a bagel,sandwich,roll or bun once a day everyday) It must be the yeast,wheat or something because I'm getting carbs from the other stuff I'm eating. The last time I went without bread was about 8 years ago when the Aktins Diet was the rage. I went 2 days with no bread and other carbs and was such an irritable S.O.B. that my assistant at work said "If you don't go the SUBWAY right now and get a sub, I'm quitting!"
So I'm weathering these daylong headaches from no bread and just have to make it 3 more days. Fantasizing about watching my Bears play the Green Bay Packers on Monday Night Football with a Lou Malnati's X-Large Deep Dish Sausage Pizza in front of me.
By the way, the next person that ask me "Are you hungry?" will get this reply back.
"No, it's really not that bad because I distract myself by thinking about how big of morons people are that ask me "Are you hungry"
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Company Car That Changed My Life
It's 1995 and I've decided to leave my job as a multi line sporting goods sales representative. The sporting goods industry is changing massively and I'm not making anywhere close to the money I've envisioned making at this point in my selling career. So I'm networking, talking to friends and going on a lot on interviews.
It's come down to 2 jobs. I will get to job #2 later. The first job is with a company that sells Pharmaceutical Carts to nursing homes. Basically this is a rolling cart that has a ton of compartments to hold the meds for the residents of the nursing homes. Decent pay, benefits and mention of a company car. Well, I'm at the final interview with the Regional Vice President and another man that would be my local sales manager. They want me and are putting on the full court press. The last interview is at a very expensive restaurant and both men are kissing my ass so much that I'm getting uncomfortable. It's the end of the meal/interview and the Regional VP says "I think it's time we show you your company car. You'll be mainly using it for work but it's yours to use whenever you want" I'm thinking something decent. Maybe a nice sedan or even a SUV. We all walk to the parking lot and sitting in the lot is a Grayish 1/2 van 1/2 truck with one window on the drivers side.
My jaw dropped. This vehicle looked like a cross between a small UPS truck and a mental hospital ambulance. I wasn't sure if I had to become a member of the NSKA (National Serial Killer Association) to drive this thing.
Well, that closed the deal on me NOT taking the job.
Oh,and job #2? Well, Job #2 was becoming a sales representative for a small promotional products company. I took it and 15 years later, I'm the Vice President of a Promotional Products company that is in the top 5% nationally in sales volume and regarded as one of the premier companies in the industry.
Whew!, good thing there wasn't a Ford Taurus in that parking lot!
It's come down to 2 jobs. I will get to job #2 later. The first job is with a company that sells Pharmaceutical Carts to nursing homes. Basically this is a rolling cart that has a ton of compartments to hold the meds for the residents of the nursing homes. Decent pay, benefits and mention of a company car. Well, I'm at the final interview with the Regional Vice President and another man that would be my local sales manager. They want me and are putting on the full court press. The last interview is at a very expensive restaurant and both men are kissing my ass so much that I'm getting uncomfortable. It's the end of the meal/interview and the Regional VP says "I think it's time we show you your company car. You'll be mainly using it for work but it's yours to use whenever you want" I'm thinking something decent. Maybe a nice sedan or even a SUV. We all walk to the parking lot and sitting in the lot is a Grayish 1/2 van 1/2 truck with one window on the drivers side.
My jaw dropped. This vehicle looked like a cross between a small UPS truck and a mental hospital ambulance. I wasn't sure if I had to become a member of the NSKA (National Serial Killer Association) to drive this thing.
Well, that closed the deal on me NOT taking the job.
Oh,and job #2? Well, Job #2 was becoming a sales representative for a small promotional products company. I took it and 15 years later, I'm the Vice President of a Promotional Products company that is in the top 5% nationally in sales volume and regarded as one of the premier companies in the industry.
Whew!, good thing there wasn't a Ford Taurus in that parking lot!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A Senior's Unfiltered Moment
Every November my wife and kids get in the car and drive to Wisconsin to spend Thanksgiving with her family. My wife's family includes her parents, 2 sisters and their families and her 100 year grandmother.
Grandma used to be a pretty robust woman but now she is quite frail and usually just sits quietly and observes. I've always loved Senior Citizens (mainly because of their honesty, like children) and always talk to my wife's grandmother. Mentally, she kind of in and out but not bad. So, at the dinner table I'm sitting next to Grandma making sure she's comfortable and getting her food. Well, everyone is eating(Grandma is eating like it's her last meal-Amazing!) and the discussion of how my wife and her sisters met all their husbands come up. Let me give you a little background. My wife is the youngest of 3 daughters. Her oldest sister married someone they knew for years while the middle daughter married their best friend's son. Of course, my wife marries this mental patient from a broken home in Chicago. Whatever! It worked out. As this discussion is going on, all of a sudden Grandma picks her head out of the feed bag she's working on and proclaims "I told Stan (my father in law) that Lisa shouldn't marry Danny. It's too soon! Stan don't let her marry him!" Everyone is silent as this century old woman is stating how my father in law shouldn't have let my wife marry me! So I say "Grandma, I'm sitting right next to you." She continues to state how my wife should have waited. I jokingly say "Grandma, you know all I have to do is snap my pinkie on your hip and it's going to break" Everyone at the dinner table is in hysterics. Then just as quickly as she shouted our her statement, she put her head down and continued to eat like a dock worker.
I can't wait until I'm 100 and can just say whatever the heck I want to say!
Grandma used to be a pretty robust woman but now she is quite frail and usually just sits quietly and observes. I've always loved Senior Citizens (mainly because of their honesty, like children) and always talk to my wife's grandmother. Mentally, she kind of in and out but not bad. So, at the dinner table I'm sitting next to Grandma making sure she's comfortable and getting her food. Well, everyone is eating(Grandma is eating like it's her last meal-Amazing!) and the discussion of how my wife and her sisters met all their husbands come up. Let me give you a little background. My wife is the youngest of 3 daughters. Her oldest sister married someone they knew for years while the middle daughter married their best friend's son. Of course, my wife marries this mental patient from a broken home in Chicago. Whatever! It worked out. As this discussion is going on, all of a sudden Grandma picks her head out of the feed bag she's working on and proclaims "I told Stan (my father in law) that Lisa shouldn't marry Danny. It's too soon! Stan don't let her marry him!" Everyone is silent as this century old woman is stating how my father in law shouldn't have let my wife marry me! So I say "Grandma, I'm sitting right next to you." She continues to state how my wife should have waited. I jokingly say "Grandma, you know all I have to do is snap my pinkie on your hip and it's going to break" Everyone at the dinner table is in hysterics. Then just as quickly as she shouted our her statement, she put her head down and continued to eat like a dock worker.
I can't wait until I'm 100 and can just say whatever the heck I want to say!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Classic Prank
This past Sunday I'm at a photographer's studio taking professional pictures for my upcoming new website. Unfortunately, no funny stories about my photo shoot at all except the one the photographer told me. My wife and I noticed on his color brochure that you can rent a lamb ( a live one) to take a cute picture with your child. I found that funny and ask him if he ever had any interesting pictures pertaining to the lamb. He did.
He told me that a man came in once and wanted a picture of himself wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Nothing else. He also wanted a live sheep in the picture. So the photographer takes the picture of the man lying on his side (His family jewels covered)with the sheep. So the afterwards the photographer ask "If you don't mind, I was wondering what this picture is for?" The man says there's a bar in Texas that will hang up any wacky photo/picture as long as it's not offensive. Well, this bar happens to be the same bar that this man's identical twin hangs out at. So his identical twin brother had to explain to everyone for the next year that it was not him in the picture but his identical twin brother in Chicago.
INSTANT CLASSIC!!!!
He told me that a man came in once and wanted a picture of himself wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Nothing else. He also wanted a live sheep in the picture. So the photographer takes the picture of the man lying on his side (His family jewels covered)with the sheep. So the afterwards the photographer ask "If you don't mind, I was wondering what this picture is for?" The man says there's a bar in Texas that will hang up any wacky photo/picture as long as it's not offensive. Well, this bar happens to be the same bar that this man's identical twin hangs out at. So his identical twin brother had to explain to everyone for the next year that it was not him in the picture but his identical twin brother in Chicago.
INSTANT CLASSIC!!!!
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