Wacky Birthday Party

The year is 1999 and my 4 year old daughter has been invited to a birthday party for our next door neighbor's 4 year old daughter. I love my next door neighbors and we have become good friends. They are really interesting people that go to the beat of their own drum. Well, this party is being held at a rec center gym in our area.  At age 4, parents are still staying at birthday parties, so I volunteered to take my daughter. The party is starting out like your typical birthday party. A couple of games, bunch of 4 year olds running around. So far so good. Let's have some cake and hit the road. They bring out the cake, the candles are blown out and the kids get finished eating. I might actually get out of here quicker than I thought. NOPE. Time for the entertainment. Out for a side door walks this kind of rundown guy in his late 50's early 60's wearing a pith helmet,cargo shorts, safari shirt and army boots.(Basically, Crocodile Dundee after he's had a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon) He's shouts out "I'm  Captain Al The Reptile Man!" Oh Brother... So Captain Al proceeds to bring out a creepy looking lizard, a  turtle and even a pretty huge snake(not talking your little garden snake). These creatures were big. I was standing in the back of the gym with my daughter clutching my left leg in fear, while I will say there were some kids that were more enthused and sitting up close. Captain Al is letting the kids touch the reptiles and seems like nothing too out of the ordinary is going to happen. NOPE. Captain Al leaves the room and comes back dragging a huge black canvas bag and there's definitely something in it. Well, he pull the bag open and there in suburban rec center at a birthday party for 4 year olds is an 8 foot Alligator!!!.HOLY @$!$(@#!U !!!!!! Well, so much for a calm little party. All the kids sitting up front get up running and screaming to the back of the gym. It was total chaos. I'm talking citizens of Japan running from Godzilla chaos. Well, after Captain Al explains that this alligator is very old and docile(Right!then why does he have a big ass muzzle clamped to his mouth?)the place gets a little bit calmer(calmer meaning all the kids are with there parents at the back of the gym.) Now my neighbor walks his  4 year old birthday girl over to this alligator and he and Captain Al place her on top of the alligator like she's riding a horse. Captain Al and my neighbor are walking the alligator and smiling while the rest of us are sitting shocked in the back of the gym. The little girl meanwhile has a look of total terror on her face and unfortunately for my neighbor, she's been out of diapers for a few years( guess those underpants were thrown out). She finishes the ride gets off and everyone is getting ready to leave. Captain Al comes over to me(why is it always me in these situations?) and ask, "Hey, can you help me get this big fella into the bag?" Oh Man....I say "OK".  Captain Al says "You grab his tail while I grab the business end"  This ginormous reptile was freakin' heavy and not super happy about going into the black bag. After about 10 minutes we get him in the bag and I'm beat. Captain Al thanked me and went on his way. As we're leaving my neighbor says "Hey, Danny, pretty crazy stuff huh?"
I replied "Mark, you couldn't have rented a pony, it had to be a  8 foot alligator?' We both laugh about that party to this day.

Cash Only Please

I play in a pick up basketball game every Thursday night for the last 10 years. Good game, Good guys and good workout. I'm actually the commissioner so I contact the gym to get the rental agreement, collect money from the people playing and e mail everyone each week to see who is playing. Even though it can be a pain in the ass, I do it for selfish reasons. I want to make sure we always have a game and I can ask who I want to play in the game. (I became commissioner about 7 years ago in a total Michael Corleone Power Move-another story for another time). So anyways, everyone is pretty good about paying me for the session(usually I collect about $100 per 3 months from each person). I've been stiffed a few times but most of the guys pay me quickly usually cash. (One guy paid me with a personal check and the actual physical check was so large that I asked him "What golf tournament did you win to get this check?") Well, there's this one guy I will call "James" that used to play in our game. Nice guy, kind of quiet, great ball player and a total mystery.  No one really knows where he lives, what he does for a living or what. So what.  Good player and good guy (You can see my requirement to play in the game has nothing to do with character but can you hit the open 3 pointer?) . I do remember this guy always paying me but I did have to chase him a lot. So one session I'm collecting money from people and James says "Danny, I've got my money, you don't have to hound me" (If you haven't paid me in about a month, I send out broadcast e mails to the entire group stating your delinquency. Humiliation is a great collection agency). So I walk over to James as he pulls out his wallet. He starts to count out cash.  He hands me over 3 $20 bills and then pulls out what looks like scratch off lottery tickets. They were scratch off lottery tickets. He says "The tickets are winners and they are worth $40"  Looking stunned, I reply "James, I'm not taking lottery tickets for payment."  He replies "You don't understand, they're winners. Just go to the Shell Station and redeem them."  Are you kidding me?   I then said, "James, I'm not taking lottery tickets to the Shell Station. Pay me cash when you get it." James then gets another guy in the game to take the tickets and give him cash to pay me. James hasn't been in our game for about 3 years now and I do miss playing with him. Last I heard, he was in a game that the session fee was $60 and 2 live chickens.