Senior Dating

I just returned from Passover dinner at my In-Laws house( Yes, I know Passover starts tomorrow night but for my wife's barely religious family Sunday night worked out better for everyone's schedule) and heard something that I had to share with the world. No, I'm not going to write about food or my eating habits (though I do think Japan could clog up their nuclear plant leaks with some Matzo-clogs ups everything else!). This is about Senior Dating( or what anyone under 50 has to look forward to). My brother-in-law's father is 85 years old, 5' nothing, drinks a ton of vodka and most of his stories(which he tells a lot of) are tales that are taller than him. So, he starts to tell us about his dating.  Yes, I said dating! This guy has more action that men 1/4 his age! He lost his wife about 10 years ago and I think he had a date the day after the funeral. Women from age 60-107 where lining up for him.  Unbelievable! It's supply and demand when it comes to senior dating. The fact of the matter is that there are just more women alive then men.  If you're a man over the age of 70, you're a hot commodity.
            So, this colorful little Casanova tells us about his last date and I just about lost it. He tells us that he's out on a date with a woman he met a week ago. She's 86. I say "Hey, nice a Cougar!" Everyone in the room laughed except him because he was motoring through this story like all of his stories. He says thing are going well. They're at a nice restaurant, they order drinks and so far so good.  As he takes his first sip of Vodka, she says to him "I'm so sorry but you're going to have to take me home"  He says "Why?" She replies, "I'm running out of air. I thought I had more air than I do in my oxygen tank"  HOLY @%#@% MOLY!!!!  Everyone in the room is stunned and I all but fall off the couch laughing. I had to leave the room. My oldest daughter who has a demented sense of humor like her father says "Dad, that's blog material!"   I compose myself and we go on with the Passover dinner. So the hardest thing I had to do was think of a title of this posting.

Titles That Didn't Make the Cut:

1) Is That An Oxygen Tank or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
2) My Dream Date With Darth Vader!
3) I'm Going To Get Another Drink, Do You Need Your Oxygen Tank Refreshed?


So there you have it. In all honesty, the guys my hero.  85 years old and more women than he can handle. We should all be so lucky!

Enough is Enough!!!

I'm on the phone today with one of my most interesting clients. She's an office manage for a mid size law firm in Chicago. The reason I find her so interesting ( and I also honestly like her) is that she has a way about herself like nobody else I know. She's extremely quirky in how she speaks. Very soft spoken but tells me exactly what is on her mind in a very calm manner and she conveys this in the most polite demeanor with perfect use of the English language.  Basically, the love child of Rain Man and Mary Poppins.  So, she's telling me that the lawyers want her to get a gift for the administrative staff of the firm for Staff Appreciation Day and they want it by next Monday. This is not going to be an easy project for me but not impossible. What made it impossible is they wanted a specific umbrella.  I told her I would check to see I could make this happen. After the umbrella company informed me that this project could not be done, I had to call my client. I call here up and say "Elaine, unfortunately, I can't get that umbrella you want in time. Is there another item that would work for you?" Dead Air. Nothing. My client doesn't say a word for about a minute. My sales training tells me to just wait for her to say something. Well, say something she did. All of a sudden, she blurts out "F*ck It!! They're going to get pizza for their gift and when they ask me why, I will tell them that the F*cking Lawyers didn't plan ahead and that's why they're getting F*cking Pizza!!!" 

I'm dead silent and probaby have a bruise on my chin due to it hitting my desk when my mouth just fell open listening to this. I replied, "I'm really sorry I couldn't help you with this Elaine"  She reverts back to Ms. Manners and says in the tone I'm accustomed to "Dan, no worries at all on my end. Thank you for your diligent effort on this and I will contact you when I have another project for you to work on"

She just solidified herself as my MOST interesting client

Sensei Psychopath

Last night, I started a brand new karate class.  Same karate I've always been taking but different location with a new instructor. Always a bit anxious being new to a class and not knowing anyone including the instructor.  As the beginning of class was getting close, students started to show up. Lots of little kids( about 20) and about 10 adults.  I ask this young woman standing near me "How's this class?" She says, "Its a good class, very intense. Have you ever had Sensei Picchotti?"  I said "No".  She says to me "She one of the best instructors but she is really mean", I said "Mean?" She said "Just wait"  So we get into class and this instructor is a women in her 50's about 5'1 and head to toe intense. From the second we lined up for attendance until the end of class, she was on us like white on rice. Yelling, embarassing, barking out instructions and critiques at a machine gun pace. Everytime one of the younger kids talked while she was or didn't put in the effort she demanded, she yelled "Alright, everyone drop and give me 20 push ups!"  This happened about 6 times. At one piont, she kept yelling at a boy named J.P. ,who because whatever he was doing that was making her mad, had us doing all these push ups. I joked to the same young woman I met earlier "I need to find out where this J.P. live so I can kick his ass".  The sensei was standing right behind me when I said that and said, "Mr. Friedman, his father is right next to you, so why don't you ask him" NICE! (anyone have a shoehorn to get my bare foot out of my mouth). Towards the end of the class, Sensei Psychopath has us doing a drill that is nothing short of water boarding at Guantamo Bay. She says "I know this is tough for you older people but try your best"  She walks by me and I say to her "By the way Sensei, I'm one of those older people you were talking about". She responded "Mr. Friedman, I know how old you are and you're in good shape. Nice try, now do the drill" Holy moly!!!
Class ended and Sensei Psychopath walks up to me and says " My class is hard, Mr. Friedman. Hope you can hack it." Never backing down from a challenge (especially a physical challenge) responded "No problem, Sensei. Bring it on"  She then said to as I was walking out "Good, then I know I was too soft on you tonight and will be sure to step it up next week"  GULP!!!!