I Thought The Cab Drivers in Chicago Where Bad

Thanksgiving 2011 and my family is spending it in beautiful Maui, Hawaii. Gorgeous place, Great Weather and nice to be in the United States(Though taking 10 hours by airplane to get there makes its seem like you are not). I won't bore you with the details of my trip such as the Luau we went to( of course, I got pulled up on stage to a Hula Dance), Surfing( A lot harder than I thought it would be) and Boogie Boarding we did(Totally beat the crap out of my body doing that-yes,I'm old). I will tell you about 3 cab rides we had that were nuts. After the 2nd cab ride my oldest daughter said, "Dad, you are going to write about these cab rides aren't you?" So here I go.

Cab Ride #1-We arrive at the Maui airport and need a cab to our resort. The first cab in line has this Asian woman. I've been schlepping 2 huge pieces of luggage through the airport(travel with a wife and 2 teenage daughters. They brought for 1 week enough clothing for a month) and can't wait for someone to help with them. This woman gets out of the cab and she's about 4'5" and 80 lbs. Great. They are now giving driver's licences to 10 year olds. My wife says"Danny, there's no way she can pick up the luggage." I replied, "she probably can't pick up our carry ons".

Cab Ride #2-It's our first night after 10 hours of flying and we're exhausted but needed to go the local grocery store to pick up some beverages and breakfast stuff for our condo. The cab picks us up and the drivers name is Tony.  Tony is a Mid 50's Vietnamese man that speaks English really badly. Luckily we can communicate enough to tell him what store to go to and he also agrees to wait for us until we're done. He tells me to call his cell phone when we're ready and he'll pick us up again. Shopping goes quickly and I call Tony. I tell him we're ready to go and I can barely make out what he's saying back to me. There's screaming in the background. High pitched screaming. I tell my wife "I think the cab driving is beating the shit out of his kids." I wasn't kidding. Tony picks us up and now I hear clearer this screaming again and it's in his cab. It's horrible and I say "Tony, what is that?" I can't even make out Tony's reply. My oldest daughter who is super irritable when overtired says "Dad, look down there"  I look down and there's a portable DVD Player playing some really bad foreign theatrical video.  In the video, there's a woman in some kind of ceremonial outfit dancing like a mental patient and screaming( These are the screams I've been hearing). By the way, this woman also had more facial hair than makeup. I said "Tony, you have to turn this off"(Besides the video being horrendously annoying, I wasn't really thrilled with this guy watching a video while driving my family.) He says in horrible English "It's opera from Vietnam. Good Stuff." I replied "That's great just turn it off" He did and mumbled something that sounded like "Your Ross" (assuming Your Loss)

Cab Ride #3-This cab ride was from our resort to dinner in a small town close by. The driver that picks us up again is a Vietnamese man in his mid-50's name Dip Kouk, doup kok or something like that. For our purposes, I will refer to him as Long Duck Dong.(or the Donger). The Donger speaks English so poorly he makes Tony(Cab Driver #2) sound like Anthony Hopkins. I'm trying to tell him what restaurant we want to go to and every time he replies, I look back at my wife and kids with a look on my face that says "Did you get any of that? I got nothing." As we get on the main drag of this town, he sees a young couple across the street trying to get a cab. The Donger rolls down his window and yells to them "I take you! Pick you up! Stay! Pick you up!" He drives another 100 feet, drops us off and peels off a U Turn that make about 3 cars screech hitting their brakes so hard. We're laughing at this but soon enough we realize the joke is on us. The Donger drop us off about 2 blocks from our restaurant so he could get the other fare. We didn't know where the restaurant was so we assumed he was dropping us off at the restaurant. Thank for the great service Donger.

I Got It! I Got It! .........I Ain't Got it

The year is 1992 and my brother got me tickets to Game 6 of the NBA Championship game between Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls and the Portland Trailblazers. Long story short on the game. The Bulls made an unbelievable 4th quarter comeback to win their 2nd consecutive NBA championship. Amazing game (in the old Chicago Stadium-the place was rockin'!!)that I will never forget. Of course, you're wondering what bizarre thing happened to Danny. Well, my brother was sitting with his wife about 8 rows off the floor but he got me tickets 1st row mezzanine.  Only bad part was the other ticket he got was given to his father-in-law. Not my favorite person but whatever, I was at GAME 6 of the NBA Finals! Most everyone that has been to a sporting event and especially NBA games,  know the fans are entertained every second of the game.  Even during timeouts, they do something goofy(a guy with a trained dog, people in stands doing a contest of some form, etc....) to keep their ADD stricken fans always stimulated. Well, in between the end of the 3rd quarter and beginning of the 4th quarter, a couple of buffoons dressed up like the Blue Brothers come out and do there song/dance shtick. They're dancing around to "Sweet Home Chicago" and they end it with the short fat guy(Jake) on all fours while the tall skinny guy(Elwood) dribbles a basketball, steps on Jake's back and leaps to dunk the basketball. Crowd goes nuts! The PA announcer then says " Some lucky fan will go home with the ball Elwood just dunked. It has been signed by the entire Chicago Bulls Team!" Elwood takes the ball and whirls around once and chucks the ball into the stands. Not just into the stands but in the direction of my section. Our entire section stands up as this ball is coming our way.  Being in the front row, I had the railing separating me and the next section which was about 6 feet below me. The ball is coming directly for me. I'm leaning on the railing as this ball(seemingly in slow motion) is coming right at me. My brother's father-in-law is screaming "Danny, get it!".  With my arms outstretched, I get both my hands on the ball. You'd think that's the end of the story, boring huh? Nope. The second I get my hands on the ball, I got mobbed by what seemed like about a dozen people. I mean it's what it must be like when there's a fumble in a football game.  I got pounced on. Amazingly, I held onto the ball for a long time(long time being about 10 seconds) before the 3rd punch to my throat made me drop the ball.(Playing sports my entire life, I would have normally had no problem catching the ball but my huge mental error was that I didn't take into account that once I touched the ball it would be like an 18 year old's first night in prison)  The ball dropped into the lap of this little chubby 12 year old kid sitting in the last row in the section below me.  What are the odds that this kid who by the looks of what was around his seat(empty popcorn box, empty soda pop cup, empty plate with pizza crust on it-you get the gist) would  have his lap empty just in time for this ball to plop in it?(Guessing this little bastard was taking a breather before he decided on the Nachos or Frosty Malt as his next conquest). Everyone was cheering and thought it was just the greatest that this little boy got this treasured souvenir. I looked back at the mob that attacked me and they all were looking like "Yeah, we punched you in the throat and privates for that ball. Sorry, no hard feelings?" In all honesty, I probably would have done the same to a schmoe near me going for a ball. Well, I did get to see a championship being won  and that I will never forget. Though, I am still trying forget that little nacho eating punk that has my ball!

NEIGHBORS

Everyone has neighbors that annoy, irritate and just down right drive us crazy but not everyone tells the world about them. Let me preface by saying that these people I'm going to tell you about are hard working good people but absolute freaks.

Neighbor #1- Is That a 300 Foot Antenna or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

This is my neighbor directly next to me. Nice quiet family with kids. Well, the father is a Ham Radio enthusiast( so much he has a special license plate that states this-OOH NEAT!). If I'm right, Ham Radio kind of went out of style around 1979 with CB radios and 8 Track Tape Players. About 12 years ago(that would be 1999) my neighbor puts on his roof a 300 foot high antenna for his ham radio. I mean this thing is HUGE! At the time, I called my young daughters to come outside when he and his buddy were putting up this monstrosity and said "Girls, come over her. You may actually see a man fall to his death" Let alone he can talk to people in China, he probably can talk to people on Uranus! (Where I'm guessing he has relatives.)Now with cell phones and the Internet, I can't imagine this guy is using the ham radio that much but you never know. The good news is that my house is safe during storms because the house next to me has the world's largest lightning rod.


Neighbor #2-You Do Follow the Good Book,Don't You?

I will call these neighbors, who live behind me,Stan and Ann. Stan and Ann are very quiet folks with 2 kids. They seem nice(In 16 years don't think I've had a conversation longer than 7 minutes with either of them). Tragically, Stan fell off his roof about 10 years ago(shoveling snow off of it-you'd think that would be something I would do)and had serious head injuries but is alright now(though I think ever since the fall, he thinks he's Richard Nixon). Recently in our town, there has been controversy about literature in the high school that has content that deals with homosexuality. It's gotten people in an uproar. The people that support it(my wife and myself in that group) and super religious folks that are vehemently against it.(These narrow minded homophobes are entitled to their opinions). One day my wife is in our backyard and Ann approaches her.(probably the 1st time in 16 years) and says "Lisa, what do you think about all the stuff going on at the high school with the books?" Lisa, not sure what to say, replied "Ann, I really need to find out more about this before I feel comfortable taking a stance." Nicely played.(My wife definitely has a political future). Ann replies, "Stan and I don't believe in homosexuality." My wife stunned then says without missing a beat "OK,well you have a nice day Ann." At least I know where to get a cross to burn if I need one.


Neighbor #3-"Officer,He Seemed To Keep To Himself"

My across the street neighbors are very clean, very quiet and very STRANGE. Dad is an older guy into working out, has the sports car(he washes by hand twice a week)and works out of his home. Mom is an extremely morose woman(I'd say clinically depressed) that looks like she has major health problems(opposite of husband in terms of being in good physical shape). Their 33 year old son, who looks like the love child of Ted Kaczynski aka the UNIBOMBER and Charles Manson(long hair,goatee and if he was any paler,he'd be see thu), still lives at home and is newly unemployed after working for years at the local BLOCKBUSTER. I see him from time to time leaving his house dressed in full camouflage clothing and carrying what looks like STAR WARS toys. NORMAL!!!. They do have a daughter, who my family fondly calls Marilyn(MUNSTER reference people)because she seems really normal and nice and is the only member of the family that has ever spoken to us in 16 years. Marilyn is married with a baby, lives far away(no doubt on purpose) and we maybe see her once every 3 years. There is always someone up all night in the same room in the house with a dim light on(guessing someone on the computer looking up how to either build a bomb out of snow blower or finding out how long it takes for a body to decompose if you bury it in your basement.) SCARY!

I take solace knowing that most people have neighbors that are a bit off and for the most part these people are harmless.

I cannot wait for the block party!

"Look Out For The ........!!!"

The year is 1979 and I'm a freshman in high school. Since freshman boys are at the bottom of the social food chain ( freshman girls are interested in older guys and older girls, well...forget about it) our socializing for the most part was just hanging out. This meant on a weekend night, we would roam the streets of our town(not old enough to drive) and probably end the night at the local 7-11 playing pinball and eating microwave burritos. What an exciting nightlife. Another thing we would do (mainly if part of the group were juvenile delinquents) would be yell at cars as they pass us to see if they would get mad enough to stop. If they happen to stop, we'd splinter off into smaller groups and run away through people backyards. I know, pathetic but hey, it was our entertainment. So this one night, there's about 12 of us(probably 3-4 guys that would fall under the category of juvenile delinquent) and we are roaming the streets doing nothing. Of course, any cars that drive past us, we yell obscenities and anything else we thought might get a rise out of them. We're walking down a pretty dark street when a car drives by us and continuing our moronic behavior, we give them some yells. ERRRRRHHH!!!!!  The car stops on a dime and we see about 5 older guys jump out!...HOLY #$!@!# !!!!!!  We all split up and take off.  I just happen to be running with the 2 largest guys in the group.  One guy happens to be the fullback on the freshman football team. He's huge but he can run really fast(faster than me) and the other guy was just a fat slow guy. It's pitch black out and we're running through backyards.  The big fast kid gets about 50 yards ahead of me and I'm about 50 yards ahead of the other big guy.  I can hear the guy way ahead of me yelling something but can't really make it out. All of sudden, I trip over what has to be fire wood and fall right on my face.  OUCHHH!!! I'm in some serious pain. I can still hear the guy way ahead of me yelling. All I can hear is "Look out for the ...ed!  Huh? Again, he yells from now what must be 100-150 yards away, "Look out for the ....ed!"  The next thing I hear is a huge THUD!!!...  The fat slow guy behind me has run into an immovable object and has just dropped like a bag of dirt...It sounded like he ran into a large aluminum garbage can. I look over and he's on the ground shaking the cobwebs out of his head.  The other guy ahead of us, walked back to see if we were alright knowing we weren't getting chased anymore. As I'm also trying to get my wits about my self, I look up and now know what that guy was yelling to us. LOOK OUT FOR THE SHED!  The guy behind me ran smack dab into a somebody's tool shed.. We all started to laugh and then the rest of the group found us. One of the guys standing there said, "You won't believe it, I tripped about 10 feet after we all took off and when I looked up, the guys had gotten into the car and drove off. They never even chased us." Once again, the big winner of the night was stupidity.

Health Club

Anyone that knows me, knows I love to workout. Not fanatically but for the last 25 years I've had a steady regimen of working out with weights and doing some kind of cardio workout. About 10 years ago, I built a gym in my basement. A Universal weight machine, free weights and a recumbent bike. It's perfect. 3 times a week, I go down to basement at 6:30 A.M. and do a 30 minute workout. Zip in zip out. Recently, I quit karate because it wasn't the cardio workout it used to be. I decided I would join a health club to do a cardio class of some form. I've belonged to a half a dozen health clubs in my life ranging from really nice clubs to not so nice clubs. I didn't want to spend a lot of money because with my gym in my house, I'd only be using the club for a cardio class once or twice a week. So I decided on joining this not so nice large national chain health club (The name of it rhymes with SALLYS) that had a special running. The monthly fee was about the same price if I bought 2 Grande coffees at Starbucks every week. It was close to my office and home. Now let me preface by saying( You know I'm about to abuse the crap out of this health club) anyone that works out, even minimally, gets the utmost respect from me. I really mean that sincerely. That being said, I was a minority in the club being that I was a white guy in his 40's born in the United States. This club had what I called an "IA" membership. Everyone was from Romania, Bulgaria or Russia.Median age 60. Let me tell you, Eastern Europeans have got to be the hairiest people on planet Earth. I mean you walk into the locker room and it's wild freakin kingdom. I have no doubts that at least one parent of these men is a warthog. I actually one time saw a guy shaving his chest. I'm not talking a little trimming. I'm talking about this guy taking off enough hair to make sweaters for the entire Von Trapp Family. (I now change at my office or home before going to the club.) Also, my wife has no worries about me being distracted by any females at the club unless I suddenly become attracted to women with goatees(though have to give them credit, they do keep them neatly trimmed). Finally, as long as I've lived in my town, the police blotter in our neighborhood newspaper has had at minimum of one story each week on either a locker or car in the health club parking lot that has been broken into to. So, I park about a block away from the club and hide my wallet and phone in my trunk. (I consider the block walk to the club my warm up). All joking aside, the spin class I take is one of the best workouts I've ever had and the members and staff there are really nice folks. Plus, if I need a last minute Goulash recipe, I know where to go