Bad Time To Be A Metro Sexual

In 2009 I was in Orlando doing a 2 day speaking engagement at an industry trade show. It's the night before my big day of speaking( 3 hours of sales training) and I just want to relax. I got in late afternoon, checked into hotel and thought maybe a quick bite in hotel restaurant and bed. Well, Mr. Social bumps into a friend in the lobby who says "Come to dinner with me. A couple of vendors are taking me out to dinner and they'll love you" So, begrudgingly, I agree to go. There's about 14 people including me and my friend. The dinner was good and conversation was flowing. I meet a man who is the President of a personal care company that sells spa items like body lotions, lip balm, sun block, etc. We start talking and he's asking me about my personal hygiene. Whoa, slow down fella! Anyhow, we get to talking about shaving, which like a lot of men, I really don't like it. I told him after shaving I put some cream on my face, kind of an after/shave cream. He says "I got the after/shave lotion for you my man! It's an after/ shave moisturizer and has built in SPF 30 Sun Block!" He then proceeds to pull a tin of it out of his pocket. YEESH! I didn't know if I should say "Thank You" or what I was thinking ("Is that a tin of after shave in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?") Dinner ended and we all went back to our respective hotels.
The next morning I'm getting ready for a big day of speaking. I hit the shower and now its time to shave. Get done shaving and look at the tin of the "Wonder After/Shave". I say to myself "What Hell?" and rub it over my freshly shaven face. HOLY #*@1#%$* !!!! My face is on fire!!! I mean burning! I'm putting cold water on my now red face. nothing.This is not good. I run out to the hallway (in just a towel) and grab a bucket of ice from the ice machine. I dump it in the sink and dive head first into it. After about 5 minutes (not bad, holding breath that long while my face is melting)my face is cooling down. I wash the toxic cream off and begin to feel better. I go on to do my speeches that day.

When I got back to the hotel that day the first thing I thought was "Boy, am I glad I didn't eat a quick bite and call it an early evening!"

YEESH!!!!

Aquatic Mental Hospital

This weekend my wife took my oldest daughter to New York City for her 16th Birthday. Shopping, 2 Broadway Shows, Nice dinners and staying in a very nice hotel in Times Square.
My youngest daughter and I took a decidedly different type of trip. We went overnight to a Water Park/Resort in Northern Illinois/Wisconsin Border(For those of you in Illinois, Key Lime Cove Water Resort-Building with all the tubes sticking out of it by Great America Amusement Park). First off, the resort has about 200 rooms and then the main building( Aquatic Mental Hospital) that has some of the goofiest slides, lazy river and wave pool. Advertised as being 82 degrees throughout the building, though somehow we found pockets of about 32 degrees which were more than eye oepning. If you don't like children then this place is hell. Median age is about 8 yrs old and that's with a lot of grandparents who were pushing 80 yrs old to dead. Another not surprising observation is the 15 to 1 TATT/HCM ratio.(TATTOOS TO HEALTH CLUB MEMBERSHIPS). Almost all of the guests were really nice, polite people but not sure any of them ever met a buffet they didn't like. I will say that the slides were probably the best water slides I've ever been on and our favorite was definately the one I fondly called "The Ginormous Toilet". You go down a close pipe on an inner tube and shoot out the other end into a huge funnel that swirls you around until you get to the bottom and go down a hole in another pipe and get "Flushed" out. At about the 45 minute mark of our aqua fun, I started to feel a little itchy. Hmmm? Is it the Chlorine I'm in that could melt a COKE can? Is is the fact I'm in heated water with about 1,500 strangers? I knew I should have pre ordered the antibiotics from Walgreens before we left. Finally after 3 hours, my daughter and I called it a day and went back to our room to decide dinner. The resort had just about the nastiest food you could ask for. I think a corn dog was labeled "Healthy Choice" on the menu. Well, we settled for hot dogs, Nachos(with the really bad fake cheese) and some ice cream for dessert. We woke up the next morning and had healthy breakfast of Frosted Flakes( I think a sensor like a smoke detector goes off if any type of fruit enters the building). We then did another 2 hours of water slides (Amazingly that itchy feeling came back again). Finally, time to go home. It was probably the first time in my life that I actually would have welcomed men in Hazmat suits with metal brushes to scrub me down but a hot shower would have to do.

My daughter thanked me for a great time( and I really did have a fun time) and asked me what was my favorite thing at the resort.

I told her that my favorite thing was walking through the resort and seeing a large area under construction with a sign that said

HEALTH CLUB CLOSED-COMING SOON: DONUT SHOP!

Whoa! That's One Thorough Screening!

Let me preface this post by saying I love the United States and I have no problem whatsoever with increased security and screening at our airports. That being said,I have to tell you about what I witnessed at the Las Vegas McCarren Airport. My business partner and I were coming home from an annual trade show we go to for a few days. This same trade show in my posting from a couple of weeks ago "Only in Vegas". Well, it was a successful trade show and time to go home. We head to the airport in plenty of time and get to the security line. My partner had knee surgery about a month earlier and was wearing a pretty serious knee brace. It went from his thigh down to his ankle. It was made of neoprene and metal. It was the love child of a wet suit and an erector set. So, we're waiting in this slow moving line when one of the TSA people tell us "You can come right to the front sir." He was of course, doing this because he saw my partner in his knee brace and wanted to help out a person in need. So, I'm pumped because I'm starving(you all know too well about my apetite) and I want to get some food. I walk through with everything on the converyor belt except my underwear and money(Good Rule: If you need to put a money clip through the scanner, take your money out and keep that in your pocket). Easy peasy. I'm done. Let's go get some bad fake BBQ and a Cinnabon. Not so fast. I look over and my partner is standing in a secure area with 2 TSA folks about ready to check him out. I guess because of his knee brace they have to check him out thouroughly to make sure his knee brace isn't the newest terrorist weapon, The ORTHOBOMB. My partner is being very accommodating and doing whatever they ask. He's standing with his legs spread, arm above his head and standing still. One TSA Gentlman with the blue rubber gloves is patting him down really good. I mean really good. At one point I actually hear the TSA person say to my partner "I'm now going to be checking your private areas" Holy Moly! This checking of the private areas was a combination of a prostate exam and what I expect happens when you first arrive at a Turkish prison. This went on for about 3-4 minutes. My partner was irritated but very patient and calm. The full body pat down is still going on(about 7 minutes at this point) and the TSA person stops to put on a fresh set of blue gloves. I'm thinking "Either this is standard procedure when dealing with someone with an orthopedic brace or this guy is enjoying this" My partner isn't enjoying it but amazingly stayed calm. Finally the TSA people gave my partner the pass. As we walked toward our gate and the bad food court, My partner says "Man,that was one serious screening" I replied "Screening? That guy should've taken you out to dinner before he did that to you" Well, we got on our flight and got home fine.

I will say it again, I have no problem whatsoever with the security measures our country's airports have to do. If we didn't have this type of screening and something terrible happened, people would be in an uproar over bad security.

So,for all of you out there traveling with any type of orthopedic brace on remember one thing.

When the TSA folks tell you to come to the front of the line, you take off whatever brace you're wearing, put in on the conveyor belt next to your shoes or laptop and say to them "I'm good!"

I'll Take The Big One!

In the theme of the last couple of postings, yet another story of my eating abilities. This time its 1989, my wife and I had been dating for about 2 months. As told in a past posting, I was not the most welcome of suitors when in came to my wife's family. Well, we're living in Chicago and my wife's parents want to come down from Milwaukee to take their daughter and her new boyfriend out to dinner. My wife's folks have good taste and want to go to a nicer restaurant in Chicago. My wife mentions THE PALM at The Drake Hotel right off of Lake Shore Drive and Michigan Ave. THE PALM is known for being a place where local celebrities dine and really fine food, notably lobster. I'm 24 years old, not making a lot of money and definitely not eating at restaurants like this. (Fine dining to me was more like McDonald's or Taco Bell). So I'm pretty pumped knowing that I'm going to get a really great meal. The folks arrive at my wife's apartment at around 6:00, a little small talk and then we get going to THE PALM. I'm really excited and really hungry.(Really dangerous considering I'm 24 and have no restraint on food intake at this point in my life). We get to the restaurant and get a nice booth for the 4 of us. My wife's parents are still looking at me like they did the 1st time they met me, like I'm a science project! They're not sure what to make of this strange, loud boy and why their nice daughter is dating him. I'm good with that because I'm focused on the menu and thinking how much food I'm going to eat. The waiter comes by to and tells us about the menu. He also has in his hands 2 of the biggest lobsters I've ever seen. I love lobster and the only way I could eat lobster back then was if I gave blood for about 2 1/2 years so I could afford it. Well, I ask "How big are those?" The waiters says "This one is 5 lbs and this one is 6 lbs" I respond "I'll take the big one" My wife and her parents order normal human size meals and her father is giving my wife the "You do know this is the last meal I buying for this putz" look. My wife and her parent's meals come first. 3 normal size plates of food. Then my meal comes. The 6 lb pound lobster comes on a silver tray that could double as a satellite dish. I proceed to knock out this ginormous crustation in about 10 minutes. Still hungry, I ask my wife if she's going to finish her veal parmesan. She looks at me like I'm a death row inmate eating his last meal and says "Sure, knock yourself out"
We leave the restaurant and take a little walk. I say "Wow, I feel like I ate a small dog" My wife's father says to my wife "He did!"

So, a few weeks go by and my wife and I are having lunch. We get into a stupid argument about who's family has spent more on each other for meals.(This is not going to end well for me-stay tuned). I say "Well, my brother has taken us out to dinner a few times" She's biting her lip for some reason. I say "What?" She finally can't take it anymore and says "How much do you think that 6 lb Lobster from THE PALM cost?" Me being an idiot with no sense of how much things cost says "I don't know, $35" She says "Try $85!" Inside I'm thinking "Holy !*&^#@* Moly!" but I reply with "Well, they better get used to it!" We both then laughed

None the less, I have bought my in-laws a number of very nice meals in the last 19 years but there's rarely a time when I'm at a restaurant with my in-laws when my father-in-law won't say "Hey, Danny you should see if they have lobster on the menu"

Touche